Quickhits for March 7, 2013

Just cut it off.

Last week, a sinkhole opened up all of a sudden and swallowed a Florida man who was sleeping peacefully in his home. This just confirms the fact Florida is where the apocalypse begins. Sinkholes? Naked men attacking and eating other people’s faces? The Jacksonville Jaguars? Something’s amiss in the Sunshine State.

Here kitty kitty

Three weeks after escaping the fire at University Gardens condos, resilient kitty cat “Milagra” was returned to its owner. Its owner, Emily Bunner, was obviously excited to have the cat back in her arms after being separated from it for so long. The cat, surely, couldn’t have cared less.

Laissez-faire

Apparently, buying and selling student basketball tickets to the Duke game may constitute an Honor Code violation. First off, any one who claims they’ve never tried to bribe someone to give them a basketball ticket is lying. Second off, is this really the sort of publicity you need right now, Honor Court?

Drip drip drip

In this week’s edition of “Asinine Petitions on We the People,” someone has started a petition to change the National Anthem to R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix).” While you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn’t go buck when this song comes on, it would sound awful weird at the Olympics, wouldn’t it?

Circling the wagons

This Sunday, more than 50 food trucks will gather in Durham for a “food truck rodeo.” Finally, we’ve combined the quintessentially American sport of rodeo — so what if it’s a Spanish word, shut up — with the even more quintessentially American sport of eating fried things out of trucks.

Skinning the cats

Gov. Pat McCrory announced earlier this week that the Carolina Panthers won’t be receiving any state money to upgrade the NFL team’s Charlotte stadium. I know the Panthers are pretty used to getting shut out by now, but c’mon, Governor? Think of all the butts we could put in those brand new seats!