Marginal utility of tequila shots

Two weekends ago, I witnessed a tale of two alcohol drinkers. At a party, one girl was socializing and having a swell time; another girl head-butted a screen door and cried.

As I observed these two girls, I queried the reason for their disparate carousing enjoyment. Today we’ll examine why drinking alcohol can bring happiness or misery, and how to avoid the latter.

During the sober daytime, college students are rational. Rational, in economic terms, means making choices that bring us happiness. By studying all day and preparing to attain rewarding careers, UNC students are making the rational choice for lifelong happiness.

Then on weekend nights, we let loose and party. Partying often involves alcohol. Drinking alcohol is a rational choice too, because the proper dosage makes us feel happy.

If drinking alcohol can be a rational economic choice, why does alcohol also cause boozy students to post iPhone selfies on Instagram, lower mating standards and spend $8 on a cup of Natty Light? These are not rational economic choices!

The issue is that while drinking alcohol is rational, many students drink alcohol in irrational excess. When students over-consume alcohol, they make unhappy choices and wake up near noon with economic hangovers.

That nasty headache you sported last Sunday morning wasn’t caused by alcohol dehydration — it was the Invisible Hand of the Market, smacking you in the face for drunkenly spending 15 bucks at Time-Out. Irrational choices hurt.

What is a rational amount of alcohol? Economics explains that if drinking makes you happy, you should drink alcohol until marginal utility equals zero. Marginal utility, in economic terms, measures the happiness that you will get from using one more of a good.

You may like pizza, but you stop eating it after a few slices, because eating one more slice would bring an unhappy tummy ache. At this point, your marginal utility for pizza equals zero.

Alcohol’s negative effects come when one drinks past the point of zero marginal utility. Once marginal utility dips below zero, each tequila shot brings more pain than pleasure. In real life, I believe this occurs when drinkers begin to earnestly consider public urination.

We tend not to overeat pizza, but students overdrink alcohol every weekend. That’s because alcohol, once consumed, lowers our rational self-awareness and judgment. Only a drunk person would think it’s a grand idea for a drunk person to drink more alcohol.

How can we solve the drinking dilemma without becoming teetotalers? Let’s return to the tale of two drinkers: the girl who enjoyed herself was sporting a cup of beer; the crying girl had just downed her not-first cup of PJ (an insidious college juice-liquor concoction).

To get buzzed in a rational manner, drink more wine and beer, and less liquor. These drinks force you to get drunk slower, and spare you the judgment needed to stop drinking.

Now excuse me, I feel the urge to head-butt a screen door.