Q&A with writer Katie Hafner

A former staff member and frequent contributor to The New York Times, Katie Hafner now adds to her portfolio a critically acclaimed memoir entitled “Mother Daughter Me.” Hafner will be at Flyleaf Books Monday to read and sign the memoir, which explores her journey to reconcile her relationship with her 77-year-old mother, a bond strained by her mother’s alcoholism and neglect.

Hafner spoke with staff writer Jaleesa Jones about this personal tale.

Daily Tar Heel: What inspired you to write “Mother Daughter Me”?

Katie Hafner: So, the book was kind of accidental. I did not intend to write it at first. I’m a journalist, I’m a writer of narrative non-fiction, and I had never actually even considered writing anything personal until this.

What happened was my mother moved in with my daughter Zoe and me and very quickly it became clear to me that there were a lot of issues that had gone unresolved, mostly about my childhood. She didn’t raise me. I was taken away from her when I was little — my sister and I were taken away — and so, this woman was moved into my house who I think I know but I really don’t know. So, all of this anger started surfacing really quickly and all of this resentment that I didn’t know I had.

So, I thought either this experiment is going to kill me or I’m going to write about it, so I wrote about it. And the writing turned out to be wonderfully therapeutic for me.

DTH: What do you feel is the central question of your book?

KH: What is our obligation to our parents as they age, and how do we balance that as our responsibilities for our children?

DTH: Was it difficult to put your personal life out into the public?

KH: I knew it would be hard, and I knew exposing my own life would be difficult. I know this sounds contradictory. I am a pretty private person and I hold onto a lot. There’s a lot that I didn’t write.

I approached it from the position that I’m not just giving a big heave about my own life. I had to do it very judiciously and carefully and in a way that I thought people would relate to. That made it much easier. So, you have to stand back from your own life, not too much, because you also have to reflect enough on your life to make it interesting.

DTH: In what ways do you feel your memoir relates to broader audiences?

KH: Even though my story is a very particular story, it seems to strike a universal chord to people who can relate on some level or another with mothers and daughters.

If you think about it, the mother-daughter relationship is by definition a bit fraught or very fraught, depending on who your mother is. Then, we, women, have to turn around and be the mothers to our daughters and the question is, “Is there a generational cycle that we want to break? Do we want to be different mothers to our daughters than our mothers were to us?”

DTH: What are the some of the reactions you have received so far?

KH: The most surprising thing was, I’ve had a lot of people come up to me and say, “I’m done with my parents.” There’s so much anger out there and these are really reasonable people otherwise.

And you know, I just don’t agree. And I think one of the mantras that I came up with, and I’m working my own way through is, our parents do the best they can given what they have to work with. And we can’t lose sight of that. And let’s also not forget that they did give us the gift of life.

arts@dailytarheel.com