The Daily Tar Heel
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The Daily Tar Heel

Hail to the chief (kinda)

	Memet Walker

Memet Walker

Mr. President-elect, my gift to you…

(House lights dim.)

(The curtain rises on The Daily Tar Heel office, where Memet Walker is slaving away at his latest, sure-to-be hated column.)

(Sang to the tune of “Gaston” from “Beauty and the Beast.”)

Memet: (typing) No… one’s…

slick as A.P.,

no one’s quick as A.P.,

no one’s our second pick for the job like A.P.!

But there’s no man at school half as manly…

Perfect, a pure paragon!

You can ask Howes

or ask Shamdasani,

And they’ll tell you whose team they prefer to be on…

(Long pause.)

(Cabinet job offer.)

(Cattle prod.)

Winston and Nikita: (Gritting teeth) No… one… wins like A.P.,

Flashes grins like A.P.!

Crying squirrel: When I drop acorns on heads,

he cuts down my trees!

Clef Hangers: (falsetto) Now, he may not be burly or brawny…

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A.P.: Yes, you see, I am pasty and pale…

Clef Hangers: (castrato) Every bit of him’s scraggly and scrawny….

A.P.: That’s right! Compared to the last guy, though,

I’m Christian Bale!

Homeless guy: (in a new box) No one’s rich like A.P.!

Faculty: (in new offices) Matches wits like A.P.!

Carol Folt and P.J.: (in cuffs) In our street races, nobody SNITCHED liked A.P.!

A.P.: (debating) I’m especially brilliant on


Emilio: But…

(Timer buzzes.)

Moderators: 10 points for A.P.!

A.P.: When I was a boy, I read four dozen books,

Ev’ry morning to make my brain smart.

And now that I’m grown, I read FIVE dozen books,

So my friend list’s the size of Coach K’s heart!

(Coach K sheds a single tear, bites into screaming fawn’s neck.)

All: IF HE … WAS A…

Bruce, he’d be Lee!

A Duke ticket, phase 3!

Tired UNC housekeeper: (subtitled) If his hair were a TV show,

it would be “Glee!”

(Supervisor assigns her 15-hour shift.)

A.P.: I put all Memet’s columns in BIRDIE CAGES!…

Parrot: (Splat!) 10 points for A.P.!

All: Say it again! Who’s a man among men?

He’s the one kid in the town, got all 16.83 percent of the voting UNC population down!

Who’s a super success? Don’tcha know, can’t you guess?

Ask his class who they all wanna be!…

Gary the Pit Preacher: There’s just one boy so swell,

Makes me sad there’s a HELL!!!!…

Athlete: And his name’s A-I-D…F? J!

…Another i?


(Daydreaming tutor finally looks at cue card and quickly changes it.)

All: A.P.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!