Column: Why I don't want to turn 21

I ’m dreading tomorrow. It’s my 21st birthday.

What’s that? An American college male dreads his legal induction into adulthood’s alcohol hall of fame? You heard that right: I’d rather skip this year and turn “22” with Taylor Swift.

All this year, I’ve watched helpless as my fellow 20-year-old Tar Heels get giddier about turning 21 than N.C. State students when they almost beat Duke in basketball. My peers throw birthday parties and launch bar tabs as though turning 21’s worth celebrating!

But I’ve seen the light. I’ve seen adults’ utility diminish with the privilege of getting plastered. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no booze-eschewing teetotaler. I’m 50 percent Irish.

No, I’m dreading tomorrow for reasons other than Victorian morality. Turning 21 will wreak terrible economic consequences on my idyllic 20-year-old lifestyle.

Turning 21 causes expenditures to increase while productivity decreases. A whole new world of fermented goods opens for one’s purchasing pleasure and purse’s detriment.

After tomorrow, whenever I eat food, I’ll have the option to drink alcohol. Food and alcohol are complementary goods: In economic terms, that means pairing food and alcohol makes us salivate more than consuming either good alone.

What else does alcohol make better? Unfortunately for my wallet, almost everything: first dates, family reunions and flying coach are all made tolerable thanks to booze usage. No wonder Jesus’ folks were stoked when he turned water into wine at that three-day wedding!

Because I can legally pair everything and drinking come tomorrow, I’ll be leaking more money to the “Food and Beverage” portion of my meager undergraduate budget. What’s worse, my budget will also shrink thanks to alcohol-induced loss of productivity.

Drinking does not mix with thinking (a.k.a. a mental tool the N.C. legislature has yet to use). Since I can spend more time drinking after tomorrow, that’s less thinking time available. I rely on thinking to make money in my part-time job as a business writer.

There exists a tradeoff between nonsobriety and productivity, and once we turn 21 that tradeoff works against us. As we legally spend more on booze, we drunkenly earn less.

Seems like I’ll be stuck between Scotch on the Rocks and a Hard Place when I turn a day older, doomed to more bills and less brain cells. What’s a soon-to-be-21-year-old to do?

That’s easy. I’ll do what many 20-somethings do when faced with personal issues: lament the system. How can the government go and grant me legal drinking privileges before I have a full-time job? Doesn’t Uncle Sam know that drinking costs major cash these days?

I propose a welfare program to ease the ails of turning 21. Let’s tax those lucky teenagers who are not yet 21, and then use the proceeds to subsidize booze for those 21 and above.

Growing old’s tough. I need a drink.