Column: A listicle for your nights out

Hi, hello and welcome to the first installment of GET A HANDLE OF JACK. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry (wait, please don’t cry!) and if nothing else, you’ll not be bored for five minutes.

I am a serious published writer because one time I wrote a thing and Thought Catalog put it on the internet. Through this column, I’ll be sharing with you the things I think about when I should be paying attention in class. I might be celebrating things, making light of things or parodying campus life. Or, if I don’t make deadline, my column might just be an entire page of a;slkdfjaslkdfjaslkdfmsalkdf. (Luv u, editors <3)

First thing’s first, I’m the realest. And other than being the realest, I really enjoy listicles, aka taking my thought processes and shoehorning them into list format. So put on your fun hats ladies and gentlemen — and those outside the gender binary — and let’s get to listing!

Today we’ll discuss the ALE, or Alcohol Law Enforcement. You know ‘em, you love ‘em, you can’t get enough of their underage drinking citations.

If anyone has ever had a run-in with these lovely people, you might know they like to attempt to assimilate into Chapel Hill nightlife, much like a chameleon with a neckbeard in an Ed Hardy T-shirt.

I thought in order to help these officers more effectively blend in, I’d make a list of other, more believable disguises. They need the help.

Singing telegram: Picture it. A moonlit serenade by a police officer singing “You’re under arrest, hashtag blessed” to the tune of “Be Our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast. It would at least make the experience a little more enjoyable.

Roll a Trojan horse into He’s Not: OK, this one might be a little more arduous, but trust me: Just dress it in a crop top, jean shorts and white high-top converses, and no one will notice. And when the time is right, THEY’LL OPEN THE TRAP DOOR AND FIND THE NEAREST 18-YEAR-OLD WITH A BLUE CUP.

BSki’s Delivery Guy: Really, there’s no one more loved by the inebriated than the sketchy car-driving, brown bag-toting BSki’s delivery guy. Honestly, if the ALE just put on a BSki’s polo and visor, they’d become the pied pipers of the young and intoxicated. They’d flock to them like Toppers Pizza emails to your inbox.

Popping out of a cake: This utilizes the element of surprise — and nothing makes me want to eat my sorrows more than receiving a drinking ticket.

A speaker blaring “Turn Down for What”: The anthem of the 19 and obliterated. Same pied piper quality of the BSki’s disguise but with more vigor.

A pre-med student: Because nothing says underage like “No way, I’m pre-med too!”

Your grandparents/distant aunts and uncles: This doesn’t sound that plausible, but at least it would make more sense when they slip, “Wait, how old are you again?” into the conversation.

Until next time, ALE. See you on the other side of “No Booze, No Boys.”