In the past I have proposed that one of my cats, Ariel, be named to the Board of Governors. I worry that my plea might have been mistaken for jest because I have yet to hear back from any relevant authorities. If anyone reading this column represents the board please reach out because I am still interested, as is Ariel.
An even more pressing issue has stemmed from that article; the other cat who torments me daily, Meta, is jealous of the undue attention paid to Ariel. After much consideration I have reached the conclusion that she should be named Chancellor of UNC.
I will not pretend that Meta is the kind of visionary leader who has guided UNC in the past. She undeniably lacks the empathy, vision and commitment to the public of North Carolina that past chancellors and system presidents like Bill Friday and Frank Porter Graham exemplified.
Perhaps most damningly she is very apathetic, and she is not going to do any work to change those failings if she is appointed.
Luckily, however, Meta has two qualities that should make her appealing to both current students and the alumni donor community. The first is that she is extremely destructive. She tears into couches with her claws, sheds constantly and often knocks over liquids.