Yes, the rumors are true. I, Kent Matthew McDonald, proud son of Mark and Judy McDonald, can confirm that I do, indeed, have a crush! (I need you to imagine me saying this through gritted teeth.)
Having a crush is unpleasant. I do not recommend it. I suggest everyone lives a life free of “crushes” because they are crush-ing. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t think, I can’t breathe! I can only “crush” — whatever the heck that means.
Even writing this now, my lips are pursed in the most annoying smile. I’m giggly all the time. I spend more time daydreaming about my crush than I do looking into reflective surfaces — which for a proud narcissist like me is majorly disappointing. It’s almost as if through this process of having a crush I am maturing into a more adult human being who no longer situates themself at the center of the universe. Could it be that I no longer care only about me? The horror!
Speaking of horror, people describe me as “glowing” as if I’m pregnant. I am not pregnant. I do not want to be pregnant. I want to be miserable and alone.
And yet, my body resists. The butterflies keep fluttering in my stomach. My cheeks persistently blush. My heart swells with joy. My spirit is encapsulated by the annoyingly honeyed lyrics of Justin Timberlake: “I can’t stop the feeling!” (I need you to imagine me groaning because I’m so upset with myself for referencing a song on the Trolls: Original Motion Picture soundtrack.)