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The Daily Tar Heel

Farewell column: One last request...

Brian Keyes is the sports editor for the 2020-2021 school year.

For roughly the past three years and some odd months, I have dedicated my time almost entirely to this paper. I have driven literally hundreds of miles to cover stories, sacrificed my free time, my relationships and often my grades to serve as an editor, and declared myself a DTHer through thick and thin. 

In return, I have asked for comparatively little, being mostly satisfied with the feeling of accomplishment that comes from having contributed some small part to this paper's history. 

But with my final words here, I do have one small request for the lovely readers of this fine paper: If you have ever had a crush on me at any point or currently have a crush on me, I need you to tell me. Seriously. 

I will be leaving Chapel Hill, likely for many years, at the end of the month. After that, I will be leaving the country, which means your window of opportunity to tell me you currently have — or have ever had — a crush on me is quickly dwindling. So please, honor this last request of mine. 

I know at least some of you have. Last year, the staff of the DTH, in their infinite wisdom, voted me Office Crush, a title I hold most dear. But sadly, the banquet at which we present such awards was held remotely, which meant I could not interrogate each member of this prestigious intuition personally to find out if they voted for me and, consequently, had a crush on me. 

So I need you to tell me. 

I've been at least somewhat recognizable during my four years at UNC — many of you may know me in some capacity as "that kid who walks around with massive headphones around his neck" or "the guy with an almost disgustingly large number of basketball jerseys." 

Recently, you might have recognized my brightly colored hair, which has been at different times blonde, silver and jade green this past year. I also have several tattoos I have shown off at every opportunity, and have been told I have nice eyes and also eyebrows before. If any of those things ever really got it going for you, I beg you to tell me. Please. 

I like to imagine I've done several crush-worthy things with my time here. You like bad boys? I once got into a moderately publicized spat with Roy Williams over a question I asked, and that sounds pretty bad to me. 

Maybe you like guys who are sensitive and self-aware? Well the original version of this column was incredibly depressing, all about my regrets about my time at this paper and trying to own up to my faults, and if you tell me you have a crush on me, I will let you read it. 

If you like people who are accomplished, I've got you — I won first place in sports writing in the North Carolina College Media Association awards for this story. Sure seems like a thing I would have a crush on someone for. 

Maybe you've seen me dressed up in my work people clothes over at the Dean Dome covering the basketball team and thought I looked nice. Or maybe you were the mother of some local Chapel Hill children, saw me on Franklin Street and thought to yourself, "What would happen if I ran away with a college student with few career prospects?" 

Honestly, I'm not very picky about when, how and why you had/have a crush on me, just that if you did/do, you tell me before it's too late. 

I promise, I won't be weird about it. Trust me, it will make my day/week/year/life. It can be a chill little secret we share, the secret being you having a crush on me, and the we being me, you and the three-to-four women to whom I tell every piece of drama that has ever happened in my life. 

This past year has been difficult for all of us. I reached a level of burnout that I actually had to step down from my old position as sports editor, something I had worked my entire college career to get to. 

So, why not bring a little light into someone's life (mine specifically) and let me know if you have a crush on me. And who knows, maybe this will be the spark of a beautiful romance between the two of us — long-distance relationships happen all the time — but we'll never find out unless you tell me. 

So before it's too late, I ask one more time, for emphasis: Please tell me if you ever had a crush on me. 


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