Editors note: This article is satire.
Gary the Pit Preacher better step aside, because UNC had a new sheriff — or should I say, hate-spewing, self-resenting, God-fearing, unwelcome loudmouth — in town last week.
Sister Cindy is an evangelical Christian campus preacher from Indiana who has made an immense social media debut by visiting college campuses around the country, discouraging everything from WAPs to winged eyeliner.
But unlike Gary’s decades-long tenure in the Pit, there is one major difference between his and our slut-shaming newcomer's preachings: Cindy’s actually seem to be working.
How is this possible? How could some random 63-year-old partier-turned-preacher have such an effect on our expressive, liberal student body? I have one hypothesis: hypnosis.
Since Sister Cindy’s visit, I’ve noticed a dramatic drop in "hoes" around campus. You might be thinking, "Maybe it’s just the cold weather that’s causing people to cover up?" Well, I thought the same thing — that is, until I interviewed a Might As Well frequenter Sunday morning.
Angelina Martin, a first-year at UNC, sported a turtleneck and zipped-up jacket at MAW the night before.
“I saw Sister Cindy preach on Monday," Martin said. "After the crowd dispersed, she looked me deep in the eyes and said 'ho no mo' three times, then spun a pendulum in my face, and that’s the last thing I remember. Ever since then, I haven’t really understood the reason for showing off my body when I go out on weekend nights. I doubt it has anything to do with Sister Cindy — I think I’ve just matured past the need to dress skimpy for other people’s validation.”
Next to Martin was her best friend, Erika Davis, whom eyewitnesses reported dancing on a table wearing a crop top and mini skirt.
