The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Monday December 6th

Column: Sister Cindy uses hypnosis to enforce her 'ho no mo' agenda

Cindy Smock, more popularly known as Sister Cindy, preaches to students by the Bell Tower on Nov. 15.
Buy Photos Cindy Smock, more popularly known as Sister Cindy, preaches to students by the Bell Tower on Nov. 15.

Editors note: This article is satire. 

Gary the Pit Preacher better step aside, because UNC had a new sheriff — or should I say, hate-spewing, self-resenting, God-fearing, unwelcome loudmouth — in town last week. 

Sister Cindy is an evangelical Christian campus preacher from Indiana who has made an immense social media debut by visiting college campuses around the country, discouraging everything from WAPs to winged eyeliner.

But unlike Gary’s decades-long tenure in the Pit, there is one major difference between his and our slut-shaming newcomer's preachings: Cindy’s actually seem to be working.

How is this possible? How could some random 63-year-old partier-turned-preacher have such an effect on our expressive, liberal student body? I have one hypothesis: hypnosis.

Since Sister Cindy’s visit, I’ve noticed a dramatic drop in "hoes" around campus. You might be thinking, "Maybe it’s just the cold weather that’s causing people to cover up?" Well, I thought the same thing — that is, until I interviewed a Might As Well frequenter Sunday morning.

Angelina Martin, a first-year at UNC, sported a turtleneck and zipped-up jacket at MAW the night before.

“I saw Sister Cindy preach on Monday," Martin said. "After the crowd dispersed, she looked me deep in the eyes and said 'ho no mo' three times, then spun a pendulum in my face, and that’s the last thing I remember. Ever since then, I haven’t really understood the reason for showing off my body when I go out on weekend nights. I doubt it has anything to do with Sister Cindy — I think I’ve just matured past the need to dress skimpy for other people’s validation.”

Next to Martin was her best friend, Erika Davis, whom eyewitnesses reported dancing on a table wearing a crop top and mini skirt. 

“Yeah, I didn’t go to see Sister Cindy,” Davis admitted. “I didn’t really see the need — I know she’s funny and all, but I think giving people like Cindy or Gary attention just feeds into their power. If we keep encouraging this behavior, soon they might try brainwashing students.”

Davis didn’t know it, but she couldn’t have been closer to the truth.

As I walked around campus that beautiful Sunday morning, there was hardly a student in sight — was it because students were partying too hard on Saturday? 

No, that’s impossible, because Chapel Hill has a strict 12 a.m. bedtime on weekends. So, where was everyone, if not enjoying a sunny day in the quad?

On a whim, I decided to walk toward Pantana Bob's in hopes that some upperclassmen were still sticking to their Smirnoff-ingesting standards, but something caught my eye: the church on Franklin. The lawn was flooded with students, all fighting for a spot closer to the door. It wasn’t quite the same as "Jump Around" before a UNC basketball game, but there was no doubt in my mind: Students were moshing in front of a church. 

Holding my Daily Tar Heel media pass (it’s rumored that it can get you in anywhere except Chancellor Kevin Guskiewicz’s personal office), I was able to cut through the swelling crowd and make my way into the church. Being Jewish, I’ve never actually stepped foot in a church before, but once I did, I instantly knew something was wrong: Sister Cindy was behind the pulpit.

“Slut-shaming is the way to go!” she squawked, Bible in hand. “Matthew 6:9 said that thou shalt not engage in fellatio.”

I was aghast, watching her misquote and cherry-pick from such a holy book (who would ever do such a thing!) but the crowd of students seemed to be entranced by her words.

“Down with the Hoes!” one guy from Sigma Alpha Epsilon yelled. Behind him, a whole crowd of Zetas cheered him on.

After the sex-negative sermon wrapped up, I approached Sister Cindy directly to interview her about her mind-controlling ways. 

I took out my pen and paper and started to ask her about — 

OK, so my head is kind of foggy and I can’t exactly remember what she said, but honestly, maybe she has a point. After a long day of reporting, I’ve come to a number of conclusions:

  1. My great-grandmother would be really disappointed in what I’m wearing right now.
  2. Why should I go hook up with some guy named Matthew when I could just read Matthew in the Bible?
  3. I’m ready to be a 'ho no mo.'

@_hannahkaufman

opinion@dailytarheel.com

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