Column: What to expect at UNC in 2022

Editor's note: This article is satire.

Well, we made it, folks. New year, new … what, exactly? 

New Year is the perfect holiday to celebrate the passing of time, acknowledge a period of growth or determine a future goal, but from 11:59 p.m. on Dec. 31 to midnight, it doesn’t always feel like much has changed. 

So, to mitigate this impending threat of annual monotony, I have chosen to highlight some people, places or things at UNC that I think will take center stage in 2022. 

The Old Well

Tragically, the Old Well has fallen into disuse and disarray over the past few years. But starting in 2022, The Daily Tar Heel has intercepted confidential plans by the Board of Governors to fill this famous faucet with UNC’s very own, home-brewed melted chocolate. 

Think Golden Corral. Think Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. And then think bigger. 

Next FDOC, it is predicted that students will BYOS (Bring Your Own Strawberries) to be coated in this dreamy substance. It may make a mess, but hey, all those squeaky clean 4.0s will be sure to tidy it right up. 

“A Day in my Life at UNC” YouTube videos

Most people don’t love the “A Day in my Life at UNC” videos, but in 2022, I have a funny feeling that’s going to change. 

Usually filmed by a first-year Granville girl who is ‘so tired of frat boys’ but also wants to know ‘who’s throwing tonight,’ there’s nothing like these videos to give a holistic view of the countless different life perspectives, demographics, backgrounds and experiences we have here on campus. 

I personally feel entirely represented by these videos, and I think almost our entire student body would relate. (By the way, did she ever figure out who’s throwing tonight?)

UNC basketball

Just kidding … I don’t think we’re fooling anyone with that one.

The provost

I still have no idea what a provost is, but whatever it is, I have a feeling they’re going to do a great job this year.

The top floor of Wilson Library 

Does anyone remember that article about how students focus better in a clean room than in a messy one? 

Wilson’s study room takes that research one step further, with sky-high ceilings, elegant chandeliers, arched windows and a feeling of royalty that would put Cleopatra’s tomb to shame. 

Sure, if you drop a pencil while studying it instantly triggers a booby-trapping system of lasers, spears and trap doors, but hey, at least you can get some peace and quiet in the meantime.

The GET app

I can feel it. 

2022 is going to be the year that the GET app finally gets itself together. Forget last semester where we had to re-login and reload the app once, twice or three times just to swipe into the dining hall. 

In 2022, this app is going to be upgraded and rebranded as “The Got App” because it will have finally achieved perfection.

The P2P 

This spring, as the temperature drops and South Campus remains ... well, removed from the rest of civilization, the P2P bus has made an executive decision to increase its capacity to 300 percent. 

So what if last Friday it was so cramped that you found yourself holding on to any flailing human body part in your vicinity just to stand upright? 

South Campus residents deserve to have fun at night too, and the P2P (Party 2 Party), is going to make sure that happens.

Sitting on the sixth floor of Craige Deck

We’re all familiar with the classic first-year photoshoots on the top of Craige Deck, but as most short people know, height and a great view aren’t everything. 

This year, the renowned deck will be implementing a disco ball, roller skating rink and karaoke station on the sixth floor in an effort to draw first-years away from the overrated top floor — and to gain representation for people and places of lower heights.

All in all, it seems like 2022 is going to be a big year for UNC. Our institution has been in the limelight for all of the wrong reasons over the last couple of years, and I say it’s time we change that — even if it’s just one chocolate-covered strawberry at a time.

@_hannahkaufman

opinion@dailytarheel.com