Column: The Streaker’s Guide to Streaking

It’s a stressful time of the year. With LDOC steadily approaching, I know you’re all worried about finals, projects and summer plans. Study groups are organizing, library rooms are filling, GPA calculators are…well, calculating. It’s safe to say that nerves are high all around. 

Do you remember that old saying from when we were kids? If you’re feeling nervous, just picture your whole class in their underwear. Well, picture no more — when the clock strikes 12, you will actually get to see your whole class in their underwear. And without their underwear. And in their bras. And without their bras. And with a sock over their...

Okay, I think you get the point.

Preparing for the streaking is actually just like studying for finals. Like an exam, you will need courage, focus and hard work to succeed. And unlike an exam, you will be naked.

(Unless you’re a philosophy major. I hear their exams get a little crazy). 

But how do I prepare?, you might be asking yourselves. Well, that’s what this article is here for. Think of it as your Stripped Sakai Syllabus. Your Where’d-my-pants-go WikiHow. Your Clothes-less ConnectCarolina. 

Introducing the first-ever, soon-to-be-annual, Streaker’s Guide to Streaking.

1. Make sure to cut your nails.

This one might come as a surprise. During the streaking, there is much to captivate the eye of the viewer. Genitalia galore. A boob and butt bonanza. Many streakers assume that onlookers are focusing their attention on the more private parts of the body, but a recent study found that 73 percent of students during last semester's streak mostly took note of how very few of the students  clipped their nails. 

This phenomenon can only be explained by one thing. Looking at so much skin can have a desensitizing effect — what’s one more flaccid penis after seeing 35 in a row? When students need a break from the flying bits and bobs, their eyes often wander to the fingernails — so make sure your nails are clipped before your body is stripped.

2. Nose plugs 

Hundreds of sweaty naked bodies. One cramped lobby. Thousands of nostrils are finally regaining their sense of smell after COVID-19. You can guess the rest.

3. Buy noise-canceling headphones 

As a streaker, you have a number of complex tasks at hand. Walk up Davis stairs, remove your clothes, stand around for 30 minutes and try to avoid getting ‘my eyes are up here’d’ (what DO you guys talk about during the waiting time?), run downstairs, make it to the flagpole, sing the alma mater in the UL and scurry on back to your clothes. All of these duties require an immense amount of concentration. If you’re listening to a crowd full of horny students cheering and screaming at your naked body, will you really be able to carry out your streak to its full potential? The answer is no. 

Instead, buy some noise-canceling headphones, take an Adderall (if you’re prescribed, of course) and prepare to approach the streaking as it deserves to be approached: a final exam. And no, there are no retakes until the next LDOC — but extra credit is offered if you do a funny dance on the stairs.

4. Bring board games

Back to the real question: what DO streakers discuss during the pre-streak waiting period? Politics? The weather? Classes? Oh wait, I think you sit two seats down from me in my ECON 410 class? 

It’s safe to say that all that nudity does not allow for conventional conversation. For that reason, this year’s streakers are recommended to bring the one thing that can defeat forced small talk: board games. Catan, Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders— you name it, the streakers will be playing it. 

5. Expect Electromagnetic Warfare devices

The LDOC streak is one of UNC’s most unique traditions. Twice a year, on that fateful hour, all parties present get to witness a once-in-a-lifetime sight: lots of naked people running. And during that time, it will be a great experience for ALL PARTIES PRESENT. 

Sorry, have I mentioned that all parties who see the streaking should be PRESENT? 

Why should a freshman sitting in their room at Craige see the streaking on a friend’s Snapchat story? Why should people who don’t even go to UNC get to see our treasured tradition? Why should anyone on the internet be able to screenshot or screen record a student’s naked body? 

I understand that when our generation sees something sensational, we record it. It’s what we do. But when viewers take videos of the streak, they don’t just disappear the next day. The array of boobs and butts may be a 30-minute affair, but the digital footprint lasts forever. So I urge you, no phones. Just don’t do it. And if you do, my FBI agent will use electromagnetic warfare devices to block your camera and shut off your phone.

6. Apply tanning oil

Sure, the streaking happens at night, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a little color! If you’re going to have your dream tan going into summer, you can’t let anything stop you — and certainly not the sun going down. According to my astronomy class, the moon usually gives off a UV index of five or six, which should be just enough for a nice tan. 

(I feel obliged to mention that I got an F in my astronomy class and will be retaking it next year. I relied way too heavily on Co-Star. Since when are astronomy and astrology two different things?)

7. Stay calm and streak on

Nerves are normal. The streak will be over before you know it, so enjoy every minute of it. Don’t let your friends talk you out of streaking. If you want to streak, then streak. At the end of the day, you are all kind, intelligent, hard-working UNC students who will go on to change the world— and that’s with your clothes on. Add naked to that list, and you'd be unstoppable. 

I hope this guide answered all of your streaking questions, comments and concerns. I know all of you streakers will run faster than The Flash (get it?) and impress all of your fellow classmates with your clipped nails and Catan skills. 

Congratulations on another semester in the books— I can’t wait to see you all (clothed) in the fall. 

@_hannahkaufman

opinion@dailytarheel.com