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The Daily Tar Heel

Wait... it’s 2023. 

I don’t know how you are feeling – whether you’re excited, nervous, annoyed or simply over it – but what you should be doing is listening to my predictions and planning accordingly. Because do you know what this year is all about? Do you? No, I don’t think you do. But I do. 

Prediction #1: 2023 is the year of "The Grind"

Grinding in class, on the way from that one class to the other class and on the way to work. Grinding at the dining hall and at your favorite coffee shop. Something’s shifting into focus: The Grind.  

Here’s an example of The Grind. I had this bike last semester, Tracy. And Tracy was basically the best bike to ever exist. That is before she was stolen. Last semester, I took Tracy to Campus Health. As I mentioned in my last column, I was very ill. Probably from mold or some other infectious microbe mutant germ living in the walls of my dorm room. When I was ready to leave, the doctor called a P2P vehicle to stylishly escort me home because I was too sick to take myself (I swear I’m not dramatic, I was actually too sick). Anyway, I left Tracy locked up for sometime between a couple of days and a week (I don’t remember the silly details), and she was stolen.  

This semester, I took my family’s old bike to class. It's no Tracy, but it does the job. And to fit it in my car, I took the front wheel off. Unfortunately, however, I’m not Bob the Builder, so I couldn’t figure out how to put the wheel back on. The front gear system thing kept hitting the metal poles connecting the actual wheel to the center of the wheel and with every inch it would repeatedly make a loud "bang." And I tried to ignore it but it was so annoying. It was grinding hard. 

But I grind harder. I took the wheel off, and after repeating the same steps I had taken earlier but pretending I was doing things differently, I got the bike mostly working (sort of). I took control. I showed that bike who’s boss. That’s The Grind.

Prediction #2: Everyone is nice to me

I have come to realize that I'm always right about mostly everything all the time, and that’s awesome. So if you don’t know me, just be nice to me and give me free stuff. If you do know me, think about the last time you’ve done something nice for me and do it bigger and more and now. 

Prediction #3: Murder mystery dinner parties

All I want in life is to pretend there is a big estate I’m in line to inherit, and I just need to murder everyone else who wants it. It’s the only way I can make a stylish mid-century bed-and-breakfast. And I get to use a British accent.

Prediction #4: People stop using AI

I just learned about this AI thing that can edit your eyes to be looking at the computer camera, even if you’re looking somewhere else. Back in my Zoom days, we had to creatively avert our eyes to our phones during a boring lecture. Now, people can just look at whatever they want, but it will seem like they’re looking at you. And I’m thinking: why would we do this? I feel like the AI police are going to come after me, but I don’t care. There’s no need for technology like that. 

Prediction #5: Twinning

Completely unrelated: if any of my readers know how to fix bikes please hit me up! I am just super interested in bikes, specifically why my chain pops off and how to put it back on. I would love to chat about that and other stuff about bikes, too!

Happy New Year, Tar Heels.


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