I’m sure you’ve seen him wandering around campus. I’m sure there’s one in your gen-ed philosophy class who can’t quite seem to stop quoting his favorite philosopher. Sure, he’s only read a few excerpts from Nietzsche, but he understands it better than you. He gets it on a deeper level.
You might even have gone out on a few dates with him, though it may have seemed more like a lecture than an actual date. He probably brought up those same pretentious philosophers from his gen-ed class and explained to you just how little you actually know about philosophy. I’m sure he even brought up his superior taste in music. Do you like Taylor Swift? Oh boy, does he have a lesson for you. Have you ever heard of The Smiths? No? Fine. Car Seat Headrest?
Maybe he even seems a little arrogant. Kind of like he’s mansplaining to you. But no, he couldn't be. He wears chipped black nail polish and is a self-proclaimed leftist. He’s in the clear.
A dutiful devotee of the female gaze, he certainly nailed whatever latest TikTok fashion trend is circulating. If you’re ever in a moment of doubt over his true intentions, don’t forget that he wears crop tops and Doc Martens. He may have led you on, but could such a well-dressed suitor have bad intentions? Never mind that he only texts you when it’s past midnight. You’re safe in the hands of such a well-kept man.
If you’re not already sold, don’t fret. He will make sure to keep you on the tip of your toes with his constant critiques of just about everything. You’re upset he’s just using you for sex? Well, monogamy is so out these days. He can’t be tied down. He’s too progressive for all that conservative, old-fashioned stuff. You just need to catch up. He’s not using you so much as he’s throwing the middle finger to the system.
That’s his favorite hobby. He loves to rebel against the system. Maybe he’s bicurious – he does wear a crop top after all. And he’s got tons of piercings, so he’s not like other guys. Would he ever be into a guy? No, but he sure is great at breaking gender stereotypes. Never mind he was making fun of his high school peers just three years ago for all that nonsense. He gets it now. TikTok made sure of that.
He breaks barriers. The patriarchy? That’s his sworn nemesis. He would never use a woman.
Oh, he did use you? That can’t be so. He never wanted something serious. Let me remind you: he’s not disrespecting you, he's just not into dating. It’s just some capitalist construct designed to force you into some contract eventually. When you do ask for something serious, he lets you know that he’ll only hurt you in the end. He’s doing what's best for you. That’s a stand-up guy.
And he’ll never let you get too attached. He’ll grow really close to you, and just when you’ve caught feelings, he’ll leave. What do you mean that was shitty? He told you all along he was only going to hurt you. You have no one to blame but yourself. Things could always be worse.
