Police are investigating a steaming pool of goo that appeared outside of Greenlaw this morning. Eyewitnesses say that the pile of goo was once a living human being named Ralph.
"I thought I recognized that kid. I passed him and then realized he was in my history class," said junior sports marketing major Peter Lin. "By the time I had turned around to speak, he had disappeared."
Sophomore dramatic arts major Ralph Meraz had also seen someone he knew. Or so, he thought. According to witness accounts, Meraz waved swiftly and smiled a big smile at an unsuspecting passerby. When his enthusiastic greeting was not reciprocated, Meraz's face was said to droop in sadness and shame. His whole body followed suit soon after and straight up melted to the ground.
Authorities are concerned that, although tragic, this was not an isolated incident.
"This makes the third student to have perished from embarrassment in the last month," said Tom Bergeron, chief of campus police. "It has become a matter of high priority to this department to prevent these DBEs, or death by embarrassment, from happening again."
His department urges students to "Fake It til You Make It."
"If a student sees another student waving at them as if they know them, we recommend students simply wave back. This simple act could save a life."
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