Craving caffeine: a fall-themed coffee review

What makes me qualified to review coffee? Absolutely nothing — except maybe the pin I proudly tote on my backpack which labels me a “major coffee drinker.” 

I’ve never reviewed food in my life, much less fall-themed coffee, and I can hardly call myself a coffee cupper (which, by the way, that’s a real word, and it means professional coffee taster).

Despite my setbacks, I’ve decided to indulge my taste buds and give in to the little addict in my belly that’s been crying for pumpkin-spice-this and apple-chai-that. For the moment, I am Ina Garten’s apprentice. Let me lead you into the sugary abyss.

Pumpkin Spice Latte, Starbucks

What kind of fall coffee review would this be if I didn’t include the ever-controversial PSL? However, I am kind, and I hate coffee that doesn’t taste like coffee, so I’ll keep this short: it’s disgusting. Five dollars would be better spent on aspirin. Save yourself the headache. 1/10

Pumpkin Chai Latte, Starbucks

I’m not going to lie. After my many disastrous PSL experiences, I was more than a little apprehensive of another pumpkin-flavored Starbucks drink. Unlike its très populaire predecessor, the Pumpkin Chai Latte was less sweet and a little spicy. It had a healthy dose of foam and tasted exactly how a spiced chai tea would, only pumped full of caffeine and dyed an unnatural bright orange.

It’s my firm belief that coffee should be some variation of brown. So, if you’re like me and you’re freaked out by orange coffee, maybe this drink isn’t for you. Though, in all seriousness, it’s not that bad. You know those minty seeds that Indian restaurants give out in little baggies after you’ve finished stuffing your face with fragrant curry? This latte tastes exactly like those seeds. No joke. 6/10

Salted Caramel Latte, Sugarland

First off, let me just say that the presentation was unsurprisingly adorable. The cup was decorated in an Andy Warhol-style cupcake design, and foam was artfully arranged — very French.

The coffee tastes just as rich and delicious as their gelato. It was super thick, and upon taking a sip, I was lifted to the land of rich caramel rivers, surrounded by light white foamy clouds of pure sweet crème. I know I said I hated sweet drinks, but this latte was just bitter enough to where I didn’t want to spit it out and suck on a handful of straight up coffee beans. I highly recommend you bring a date here and surprise them with your expert coffee selection skills. 8/10

S’mores Mocha, The Meantime Coffee Co.

I love s’mores, I love chocolate and I loved this mocha. In full disclosure, the fact that I loved it so much could be due to some placebo effect. The baristas at the Meantime Coffee Co. definitely sold me on this one. It’s not a part of their official menu, as they are currently trying out a few new fall-themed recipes. 

When I walked in, one of the baristas was sipping on this concoction, and when I asked for a delish autumn experience, she insisted I try her S’mores Mocha creation. I conceded. These women made it sound like cup ’a Joe would solve all my problems, soothe my stress and maybe even help me find a date for cuffing season. (I’m kidding. That would take a miracle.) 

Let me summon my cooking channel vocabulary here: This mocha was full-bodied, pumped with a light dosage of chocolate and topped with a puffy layer of marshmallow-infused foam. The drink finished off with a hint of graham cracker savor on the back end, a touch very much appreciated by the campfire-loving child inside me.

I recommend you get this coffee after a devastating midterm, when you need a bit of childhood nostalgia to keep you from pulling your hair out. Caffeine over Xanax, people. 9/10

swerve@dailytarheel.com