I don’t drink coffee.
I know. What is wrong with me? I ask myself this all the time. Why don’t I just get over it, learn to like coffee, and change my life for the better?
I like to think it’s because I’m #cool and #different. The real reason is that I think coffee tastes gross.
Also, there’s the fact that I’m Team Tea forever. So for those of you out there who are also on the no-coffee bus — I know you exist, help me out — here’s how to survive in a world that runs on coffee:
Keep telling yourself how hipster and countercultural you are
A little confidence goes a long way, people. We all know you still go to coffee shops to study (admit it, studying at coffee shops is a great way to publicly display your hipster-ness).
Take it one step further and Instagram yourself drinking tea at said coffee shop. Then everyone viewing your perfectly-filtered post will recognize how much of a hipster you truly are.
Pretend to at least like the smell of coffee so people think you’re redeemable as a human being
People somehow think that if you hate coffee you must also hate puppies, babies, and America. So come to appreciate a form of coffee and now maybe you only hate crying babies and barking puppies. People are weird, I know.
Don’t look back. Do. Not. Drink. That. Pumpkin. Spice. Latte.
Trust me, I’ve got experience here. I’m at the point in my life where I apparently cannot handle caffeine. It is too late for me. The one time I tried to drink a latte (last week), I did a bunch of homework in a frenzy that lasted about 15 minutes and then I crashed. It was a weird time for everyone.
Become an old lady
I am one of those. My bedtime is about 10:30 p.m. I start freaking out that I might die if I’m up past midnight. You know it’s bad when you’re at an event and people remind you it’s past your bedtime and you should probably leave.
It’s become “cool” to not have enough time for sleep in college, but your taste buds should have considered that when they decided to betray you.
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