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The Daily Tar Heel

Sporting lessons from a wise man

A wise man once said these words in a television commercial, ones I know I will carry with me forever: “I don’t look at myself as a basketball coach — I look at myself as a leader who happens to coach basketball.”

Whoops! Sorry, wrong wise man.

What I actually meant to write was the famed Charles Kuralt line, “What is it that binds us to this place as to no other? It is not the well or the bell or the stone walls, or the crisp October nights or the memory of dogwoods blooming.”

You’ve seen the ad — after all, it runs only about 17 times during every North Carolina game on TV. And it’s surely convinced at least a few kids to check out UNC during the college application process, probably even a few of this year’s freshmen.

Kuralt never mentions sports in that quote, though. And perhaps that’s fitting for those in this year’s freshman class, considering they begin their career as Heels on the heels of several of the most interesting years in the long, distinguished history of UNC athletics.

Luckily you Tar Heel fans didn’t have to endure what’s come to be known simply as “8-20” unless you failed a semester or you’re a graduate student or super senior. But four-year seniors can look back fondly on the day they ran through South Campus in the April twilight, heading toward the road outside the Smith Center in hopes of catching a glimpse of the car carrying Dean Smith, Dick Baddour and, of course, Roy Williams home from the Horace Williams airport — this time for good.

And returning students will always remember last season’s Miami football game when time seemingly crawled to a stop as the Connor Barth kick carried … and carried … and carried, staying aloft juuust long enough to sneak inside the left upright in the east end zone of Kenan Stadium and give the boys in blue what had been an unthinkable upset.

Plus everyone got to tear down goalposts.

Also, if I’m not mistaken, there was some sort of basketball game or something last April, too.

So if figuring out the easiest bars for using fake IDs and the best times to eat at Lenoir (answer: never) aren’t daunting enough tasks for this year’s freshmen, making sense of the much-changed landscape of UNC sports might be. That’s why I’ve taken this opportunity to provide sort of a mini-primer for the upcoming year:

Clemson never comes to Chapel Hill and beats North Carolina in men’s basketball. Never. Julius Hodge has a better chance of winning an eating contest than this does of happening. (OK, so some things never change.)

The Tar Heel women’s soccer team missed the Final Four for the first time ever last year. Expect Anson Dorrance’s squad to outscore opponents by some ridiculous margin (think 120-7) and go undefeated in 2005 en route to a 19th national title.

If Miami wins the coin flip and elects to receive against North Carolina this season, Devin Hester might squash any hope of back-to-back upsets before the game’s first play from scrimmage.

Ivory Latta’s crossover is quicker than Maurice Clarett’s NFL career.

If you’re going to stalk a basketball player, at least go to Sutton’s Drug Store. Doing it on TheFacebook.com is so weak.

And my final tip is a word of wisdom that everyone over at Schoolkids Records might want to remember. No amount of optimism can change the fact that “Quentin Thomas has a posse” just doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

 

Contact Derek Howles at howlesd@email.unc.edu.

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