Get poker off of my television

Tuesday night the nation will be riveted by superior athletes at the top of their game, competing for the title of world champion.

No, I'm not talking about baseball, I'm talking about the World Series of Poker.

That's right, the Main Event starts Tuesday, and ESPN is pimping it at every available opportunity.

So here's a memo to Bristol, Conn. - poker is as much of a sport as competitive tiddlywinks.

What is a bunch of 45-year-old dudes sitting around a table doing on the sports network 20 times a day? They should go back to the old school days of showing Aussie Rules football. I know I'd watch.

Don't get me wrong, I love to play poker with my buddies, but I don't want to watch other people play while announcers drone on about the percentage chance of catching an inside straight draw.

But here's ESPN advertising the passion, the intensity and the drama.

Too bad it happened three months ago.

Attention America: The 2005 World Series of Poker Main Event Champion is Joseph Hachem.

Sorry to ruin the surprise, but come on people. How would you feel if they decided to play the baseball World Series in October, then televise it in January?

In all its tape-delayed glory, poker has somehow managed to find an audience, and the supposed 24-hour sports network has saturated its airtime with this nonsense.

ESPN has made stars out of players like Daniel Negreanu and Phil Hellmuth, who now are reaping millions from Texas Hold'em strategy books.

The reality is that poker is still 90 percent luck. Haven't heard of Hachem? Neither has anyone else. But you can bet ESPN will be running 2,000 featurettes about his wonderful underdog story in the coming weeks.

The appeal of poker is its downfall. Anyone can win. So people can find a hero in 2003 champion Chris Moneymaker, who earned his way to the Main Event through an online satellite tournament. That victory sparked a huge rush of amateurs to plop down 10 grand and take a shot at Sam Farha and Annie Duke.

This fad has even (shudder) started to include celebrities. And any venue that gives more TV face time to Ben Affleck makes me want to go on a homicidal rampage.

And the end result of all these people joining up - there were 5,619 people in the Main Event this year - it makes it nigh impossible for a recognizable name to win, thus killing the star machine that this event needs to be successful in the long run.

Ever see the overweight white guy from the fourth row dunk on Shaq? No. But you see Jimmy McGee from Bumbleville, Idaho, knocking out Phil Ivey in the World Series.

Its position in the dregs of television programming is further solidified by its title sponsor - Milwaukee's Best Light, a brand universally known to be in the dregs of beer.

Seriously, why not get Yugo on board to be the official car of the WSOP? They have to be available, right?

In spite of the tape-delays, the lack of star power and the horrible beer, poker gets solid ratings, and it's cheaper to produce than real sports. So it is up to you, America, to end this injustice and get this game off our cherished sports network.

Don't watch it Tuesday night.

I already spoiled the ending anyway.

 

Contact Daniel Malloy at dpmalloy@email.unc.edu.