Story lines abound in new sports year

Jesus holds a press conference and requests that athletes stop thanking him for their accomplishments. "As much as I enjoy sports, I am not responsible for successful Hail Marys or Immaculate Receptions," Mr. Christ says. "Please stop clogging my inbox."

Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy decides to set a positive example for the press and joins The Oklahoman's staff as a beat writer covering Oklahoma State football. His articles, however, come off a bit slanted.

Brothers Eli and Peyton Manning star in a remake of the remake of "The Parent Trap."

New York Knicks' President of Basketball Operations and head coach Isiah Thomas trades three first-round draft picks to the Miami Heat for center Shaquille O'Neal and offers O'Neal a five-year contract extension.

The Boston Celtics defeat the Phoenix Suns in the NBA Finals, rekindling millions of Americans' hatred for the Celtics.

Dennis Rodman becomes the first contestant eliminated on "Dancing with the Stars." Undeterred, "The Worm" goes on to win "I Love New York 3" - and marries the show's starlet.

The Ottawa Senators defeat the Detroit Red Wings in the Stanley Cup Finals. More people tune in to a Grey's Anatomy rerun than Game Seven.

The North Carolina football team goes 6-6 and wins the Olive Garden Never-Ending Pasta Bowl.

A peculiarly named horse wins the Kentucky Derby (boldest prediction yet).

The New England Patriots defeat the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl and finish the season with a perfect record. The 1972 Miami Dolphins finally cork their champagne . but not their mouths.

Skoal becomes the official sponsor of NASCAR. NASCAR, in turn, becomes the official sponsor of throat cancer.

Minnesota Vikings' star running back Adrian Peterson appears on the cover of Madden NFL 09. In Week 1 of the 2008-2009 season, Peterson suffers a career-ending injury thanks to a horse-collar tackle by the Dallas Cowboys' Roy Williams.

The UNC baseball team reaches the finals in the College World Series for the third consecutive year . and again loses to Oregon State.

After it turns out that Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds never took steroids at all, high school athletes everywhere begin taking B12 shots and flaxseed oil.

The Red Sox defeat the Phillies in the World Series, but Philadelphians rejoice for a different reason - their riot completely outclassed Boston's and set a new Series record for arrests.

After winning the championships in football, basketball and baseball, Bostonians become quite arrogant. The city of Boston secedes from the Union (and Massachusetts) and founds a new country. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are elected co-presidents.