kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complain
To the macho guy on the flag football team that killed us in playoffs but not before
getting his pants ripped off: Pink boxer-briefs … really?
To the girl in my English class that talks about everyone else: The fact that you can’t spell words that my 7-year-old sister uses every day says that you should probably build your vocabulary before picking on people smarter than you.
Yo Yates, you’re great, and I’mma let you finish, but I just wanna say you should try winning a game.
To my suitemate’s pubic hairs: Get off the toilet seat. Nobody wants you here.
Dear stoplight at the Stone Center: What is your purpose?
To the person now lacking eardrums because the hip-hop music from their headphones is too loud: We go to the eighth floor in Davis for quiet, not a showcase of your music library.
To the lunch crowd at Lenoir: A single backpack does NOT call dibs on a table for 10.
Dear nose-whistler next to me in the computer lab: Please BLOW YOUR NOSE before I lose both a good paper grade and my mind!
To the SAE brother next to me at the UVa. game: Ultraviolet mode does not allow my camera to see through people.
Dear T.J: Thanks for saving my job. — Al Groh
To the girl in Yo-Po who asked for 50 percent of three different flavors: For the sake of my faith in UNC admissions, I hope you were from Duke.
Out-of-state students CAN be from the South, too. Yankees, please get over yourselves.
Dear girl in the orange: When I gave you piercing looks repeatedly in the UL, it’s because your gum chomping was so distracting I had to put my earphones in. How can one be so fierce in their gum … chewing?!
To girls who wear extremely tight pants and thongs that show over them to Zumba: Just because we do some skanky moves doesn’t mean you have to dress the part.
To everyone: Please don’t stand and chat in the doorway of Dey Hall. Have you seen the number of people trying to get in and out of there? Move your conversation to the Quad before we stampede you.
Dear football team: Why not try to earn all of those multimillion dollar renovations?
MATH 232 professor: Just because you give us a problem about beer doesn’t make you cool.
To the couple all over each other while waiting for the bus: Sitting in the bus stop shelter does not count as “getting a room.”
Send your one-to-two sentence entries to firstname.lastname@example.org, subject line ‘kvetch.’