The Daily Tar Heel
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Saturday, Dec. 2, 2023 Newsletters Latest print issue

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The Daily Tar Heel


My fellow students, a silent horde of invaders has occupied our campus, intent upon enjoying the rights and privileges which we as students enjoy, but for which they neither pay nor thank us. They are unwanted and despised; their very presence is an affront to the tuition-paying members of the community. Furthermore, their growing numbers pose a very real threat to our livelihoods.

I am talking, of course, about the squirrels. You will find them everywhere, contributing nothing to the rich cultural and intellectual tapestry that is the University. Instead, they rapaciously devour our God-given bounty of nuts and edible berries, leaving nothing but excrement in their wake.

We have no real picture of the “squirrel problem” because many of these creatures are undocumented. However, it would be a grave mistake to underestimate the scope of our infestation. I, myself, turning in a full circle on the north quad this morning, spotted almost 10 squirrels.

And they grow bolder daily. I very nearly tripped on a fleeing squirrel this morning, and I doubt whether it will be long before they are snatching the food from our very hands. If squirrel immigration and breeding are allowed to go unchecked, we may well see a future in which invasive, undocumented squirrels outnumber legal students.

Are there solutions? Yes, but they are not for the faint of heart. We must be bold, my fellow citizens, and we must act now if we are to neutralize this threat before it overtakes our community.

Izzy Hell

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