v.1 (Yiddish) to complain
To “the Bachelor:” You made my whole week when you gave me a rose on Halloween. If only you were a senior, I’d hit on you. #notacradlerobber
To our (likely armed) CHEM 430 guest lecturer: The slide dedicated to the turret-mounted, remote-controlled machine gun with which you “blazed” targets in the ‘Stan? Not biochemistry.
To the owner of the road bike with cartoon PBR bottles on the frame: You must be from Carrboro too! And no, I didn’t steal your bike, I occupied it.
Hey Student Congress: Giving us access to a lawyer only makes us WANT to sue you. But that’d make you think we’re actually engaged in what you do.
Justin Bieber paternity suit: four words I thought I’d never say. I guess never say never?
To the half-naked girl in the Cowboys cheerleading costume: You’re welcome for picking up the bag you dropped. Did you want me to pick up your dignity while I was down there, too?
Fratstars: it doesn’t count as a costume if you tape, “We are the 1 percent,” signs to what you normally wear. We already knew that.
Toilet paper ply is also a lot like Duke’s number of football wins. It may be 3, but that doesn’t mean they’re bowl eligible.
The wait at Alpine. #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage
To the fifteen students who watched in silence as I hunted down a lightning-fast cockroach in Davis: I’m a hero, damn it. APPLAUD MY KILL.
To whoever peed in the Davis elevator: I guess it was silly of me to think that by spending Halloween in the library I would avoid stepping in puddles of urine.
@kenanflagler: I bought the student business cards not for career and job sakes, but to receive texts like this: “I believe we met last night, and you gave me your card.”
Hey Kendall: I am willing to do anything for you to make sure you avoid injury this season. Breakfast in bed? Pick up your dry cleaning? Go to class for you? You got it, big guy.
To the student who complained about me bringing a “rooster” to class last week: It might be good to learn how to distinguish between boys and girls (in the poultry department).
Which makes UNC look worse: HVZ or DKE?
To whoever keeps knitting for various poles, trees, and railings across campus: it’s getting kind of cold out. Where can I place my order?
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