On behalf of this discount airline today, I’d like to extend a warm welcome aboard to all our students, starving artists and young parents with screaming children. You paid less than the price of a good meal to be here, and we’re very happy to have you.
Before we start the check-in process today, I’d like to ask anyone with suitcases to kindly come forward. Model passengers will have vacuum-packed their belongings into a lunchbox; anyone who has not done so can join the queue at the front to pay the respective fees.
If you read the small print, you’ll know we asked you to print your boarding pass before you arrived here. For those of you who have, please proceed to the security checkpoint, where they’ll just need you to remove your coats and your shoes.
And your scarves, your jewelry, your watch, your belt, your hairpieces, your mouthpieces, your metal parts and all other accessories not directly connected to your person.
If you haven’t printed your boarding pass, please make your way to the counter at the back. We’ll print your ticket on sheets of gold in exchange for the contents of your wallet and unrestricted access to each of your bank accounts. (Kidding, though, about the gold.)
Your aircraft has been delayed, but do feel free to proceed to the gate while we continue to berate you for various missteps. We have no estimate for when the aircraft may arrive, but it could be anywhere from 20 minutes to next Thursday.
Boarding the aircraft will be first come, first served, and seats will go to those passengers with the sharpest elbows. The rest of you will find standing room toward the rear of the aircraft, though we don’t guarantee there is room for all. The flight attendants, however, will do seat checks — checks can be made payable to the names on their gold badges.
At this point, it may be more efficient for you to hand cash out to random passers-by on the tarmac before you go, but an extra wad of bills will earn you a spot at the front of the queue for priority boarding. We kindly ask the rest of you to form a controlled mob in this small room to my right, where we will prepare you for flogging before you board.
Now your aircraft is still delayed and we can no longer guarantee that it will be arriving at all, but self-torture chambers are available beside gate five, should you like to partake in the meantime.
Dinner will be free to eat on the aircraft, so long as you purchase it before you leave the terminal and bring it with you.
