You Asked for It: In which we look for fake classes and fend off hot Spanish dudes

Drew Goins (who is studying abroad next semester) and Kelsey Weekman (who is saltier about it than McDonald’s fries in the Dead Sea) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.” This week’s edition is dedicated in loving memory to Qdoba.

You: Where can I find a fake class to take for the spring?

YAFI: Paper classes are rarer than queso on Franklin Street these days thanks to the whole, you know, unveiling-of-years-of-academic-scandal thing, so following the clinking beer mugs on Blinkness is no longer a surefire way to spot viable classes.

Be careful with Google — if you search “UNC paper class” three times, Mary Willingham will appear and blow a whistle in your ear.

Every department also has its own version of a 691H class — with the time, location and instructor all TBA. Suspicious already. But get this: The course is called “Honors Thesis.” If that doesn’t sound like a paper class, we don’t know what does.

You can try taking a class through N.C. State. We heard Introduction to Life on the Ranch is a breeze, but it’s a general education requirement for everyone over there, so you might not get in.

If all else fails, go stand by the flagpole with the smokers. You can totally petition that for a PH (and hipster) credit.

You: My girlfriend is studying abroad in Sevilla next semester, and I’m staying here. What do I do?

YAFI: If you’re serious about staying together, come up with a game plan before you say “hasta la vista.” Otherwise, you might be saying “adios” forever, heartbroken and confused (still looking at you, Qdoba).

Know how you’re going to communicate — a trans-Atlantic text costs more than a gallon of wine over there.

Be mindful of her schedule, though. The distance is hard enough, but the time difference really complicates things. Before you send a drunk He’s Not selfie, realize that your girlfriend might be at her host family’s breakfast table with Abuelita looking over her shoulder. Don’t make her explain what a “copa azul” is.

It’s also critical to keep the relationship fresh with shared experiences. To connect with her, siesta right on through your Campus Y meeting and drink sangria from a Tervis during class.

If the distance is just too much, quit school to work on organic farms across Europe. But move fast. Enrique the dark-haired bullfighter is totally already moving in fast.