Drew Goins (boy Amy Poehler) and Kelsey Weekman (whose only shared attributes with Tina Fey are brown hair and an affinity for night cheese) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.” Results may vary.
You: I’m a second-semester senior on my victory lap. How do I connect with the youths in the lower-level classes I’m taking?
YAFI: Young’uns with their newfangled drop period and Friday classes (hah!) seem a new breed entirely these days. When you share a class, a certain level of bonding is required.
Disguise yourself fully as a freshman. Frequent the rugrats’ watering holes (Rams Head, Pulse, Carroll 111), and switch your LinkedIn employment experience back to “Mount Tabor High School Student Body Secretary.”
You can also attempt to elevate the whippersnappers to senior status. Bond over your shared senses of nostalgic superiority in being among the last to share in the good ol’ days at Qdoba (RIP) and Top This! (meh).
But if neither strategy works, embrace the disparity between yourself and these fresh-faced whangdoodlers. Special joy can be found in undermining their budding sense of security. Reinforce the age gap by mentioning Die Hall or showing them pictures from your night at the SRC’s laser tag arena.
You: Advise me on how to motivate myself to work out!
YAFI: Honestly, resolutions are just a gimmick created by the sporting goods industry to get people to buy expensive water bottles. Figuring out how to spell “exercise” without accidentally sounding like a professional demon-hunter is enough of a workout for us.
Keep in mind that when you’re in the gym, you can watch four TV shows at the same time. Two of them are gonna be SportsCenter, one will be E! News and one, inexplicably, “House Hunters: Where Are They Now?” (“Probably bankrupt,” but that’s beside the point.)
If gyms are too oppressive for your free spirit, put down your quinoa and run through campus like someone is trying to get you to sign up for a 5K to end coupon book litter.
If you don’t have time to set aside for fitness, try other forms of exercise throughout the day. Walk to class in a way that involves seeing neither construction nor buildings containing asbestos (estimated distance: 10 miles). Open the deceptively heavy doors to Lenoir. Get your heart rate up daily by realizing you have to graduate one day.