Kelsey Weekman (meme queen at Mashable) and Drew Groins (meme peasant) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.” Results may vary.
You: How do I avoid seeing old high school “friends” without seeming like I’m actually avoiding them?
YAFI: While your high school pals might have been good for a laugh in AP U.S. Government or a post-class Frosty, you’ve now moved on to cooler friends — the kind who are good for a laugh in POLI 101 or a post-class Frosty.
Luckily, they’re probably trying to avoid you, too. Also, Apple’s quasi-Orwellian Find My Friends app has declined in popularity since our high school days. Congress also has your back with the curtailing of the Patriot Act — adopted thanks to the powerful, homebound, millennial lobby.
However, you’ll likely run into some folks, and that’s where the “playing it cool” part comes in. You just want to run into Harris Teeter, grab your kale chips and get out, but the presence of lurkers turns the trip into a game of human Minesweeper.
If you make eye contact with an old chum, don’t feign ignorance. Approach the subject slowly, making yourself as large as possible and creating loud noises.
If the acquaintance does not flee, it’s time to break out the big guns. Primed to turn and leave, employ the most noncommittal sucker punch in the book: “Let’s totally get lunch!”
You: How do I make the most of moving back home with my parents for the summer?
YAFI: Don’t give into the despair by reliving your teen angst. Rather, treat your homestay as you would a semester abroad.
Log your travels on your blog, hopelesswanderlust.wordpress.com, or whatever. Highlight every dodged lunch date with an old friend and every instance you find something to do other than walk around Wal-Mart.
Get your passport stamped at every frozen yogurt store in the area. Journey into unexplored TV channels — we love HLN and Oxygen! Master the language of the natives. Mention the lawn mower to your dad. Watch “Fixer Upper” with your mom. Ask your grandparents how their ancestry.com free trial is going.
It’ll be hard to adapt to the local culture, and you might misstep, so ask that your parents follow the same punishment process as the NCAA, and you’ll be well into midterms (of spring semester) before you finally get consequences.
Your parents will feed you for free, so enjoy your time at home. Try to listen to Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway” while staring out your window once a day.