1. Special KKK
Is the original Kellogg’s Special K not racist enough for you? Try Special KKK. Sprinkled in the crunchy, flaky goodness are miniature edible Klan hats. In select boxes, you might even find David Duke playing cards. Collect em all!
Ever wanted to feel as powerful as Moby-Dick when he chomped at Ahab? By munching on these toaster pastries, you can feel liberal special snowflakes melt on your tongue. Cereal has never tasted so good.
3. Nutri-drain the swamp
Need your soft cereal bars to both taste good and comment on the current political atmosphere? Look no further. In each individually wrapped bar are the mushed-up innards of certain liberal elites. Try the Hillary and Bernie flavors!
4. Raisin Lahren
If you stan for Tomi Lahren and want to make love to her mind with your mouth, Raisin Lahren is the cereal for you. Upon each bite, you hear not a crunch, but Tomi yelling in your ear about how pro-black means anti-police and about how women need to stop acting like victims because we’ve already achieved equality. Delicious.
5. Rice Christies
If you’re not quite an “alt-right”-er but are willing and ready to fraternize with them in order to gain power, give Rice Christies a try.
If you put your ear close enough to the cereal you can hear the snap of you slowly dying on the inside, the crackle of you wondering how you got here and the pop of you finally giving in and supporting the people you fundamentally disagree with.
6. Froot Loops
Do you just wish that sometimes that this country would return to its racist past? Search no more! With every noose-shaped bite, you can just taste the oppression.
Be careful though — rumor has it if you eat too much of this rainbow-colored cereal, you might turn gay. That, however, isn’t enough to divert me! See you in conversion camp!