That might have intimidated the basic, garden-variety squirrels around my house, but I don’t think it would work on this campus.
The squirrels at UNC seem to be fearless. I don’t think they have respect for a single human being here (except for maybe Squirrel Girl, may she graduate in peace, and possibly Carol Folt — I have a feeling that she’s summoned them Disney princess-style at least once during her time here).
During my time here, I got really close to one squirrel in particular, and by close, I mean in terms of proximity — I don’t have an emotional relationship with a squirrel (yet).
Imagine this scene: I was walking down the little path behind Morrison and the hospital when a squirrel scampers out in front of me.
I assumed it would move as I approached, but I was dearly mistaken.
The squirrel didn’t move.
Unsurprisingly, I have never been in that sort of situation and had to ask myself: Should I just wait for the squirrel to move, or should I invade its personal space?
I ended up walking closer, and it ran back off into the woods.
If that particular squirrel reads this, please come find me and be my friend.
But not all squirrel stories are cute.
Once in high school, a hawk literally swooped down and grabbed a squirrel before bringing it into a tree and eating it.
That particular moment has scarred me for life, to say the least.
But, to be honest, squirrels really do have some pretty hard lives.
Lives that were derided and made light of in the Disney Channel Original Series “Phineas and Ferb” during the seminal hip-hop jam, “S.I.M.P. (Squirrels In My Pants).”
Lives that, I think, became even harder when people started blurting out “squirrel” in the middle of conversations because they were “so random xD.”
If anybody still says that now, please stop. It’s not funny — it never was funny.
I would like to apologize to all squirrels for the actions of humans.
I’m sorry you became the animal of choice for scene tweens. You deserve better.
In the words of Rick Ross, basically: “Shout out to all the [squirrels].”