College students experience life through many different lenses, and Swerve seeks to represent student life. One of the Swerve writers, who has chosen to be anonymous due to the illegal nature of the activity, chose to journey through Donald Trump's inauguration while high.
Thank god I’m high for this.
First thing first, there are about as many people at this inauguration as there are in class on LDOC.
If they wanted more people to come out, the organizers should have just lied and said Mike Tyson was going to perform his Soulja Boy diss track live at 11 a.m. in front of the Capitol building.
That would be one way to get more than four black people in attendance.
Also, damn Kellyanne Conway! Just hit us with that Revolutionary War cosplay! I see you girl.
I am here for this trend but I call dibs on George Washington. Oh wait, no never mind, he owned slaves. I guess I call dibs on being one of George Washington’s slaves then? Historical cosplay is extremely limited when you’re black.
This crowd is bold man, outright booing Hillary for showing up.
But OK! If we’re just booing people now, then my professors are gonna get booed whenever they cold-call me in class when I haven’t done the reading.
Wait, what on earth did Melania just gift Michelle? A medium-rare Trump steak? A Trump University degree? Her back molar with the words “SOS” engraved in it?
The speech is about to begin and I’m honestly shook Trump allowed Tiffany to be up there with him.
I’ve seen them in the same room so few times I truly thought he might have a restraining order against her.
Another Tiffany theory I have is that she isn’t permitted to leave Trump Tower by her beast captor. In this solitude, her only friends would be a 24-karat candelabra and a grand marble fountain.
Trump is now giving his speech and I’ve decided to take a hit every time he says “the people.” I’m now catatonic.
I'm very close to typing the rest of this with my tongue because my fingers are moving too slowly.
Multiple commentators have now mentioned that today is making history. I mean we I guess we *are* getting our first reality TV star president. Had I known that it would be possible, I perhaps would have canvassed for Abe from "Breaking Amish" or maybe even Paris Hilton instead.
REPORTER: President Hilton, VP Richie: what are your thoughts on global warming?
PRESIDENT HILTON: That’s hot.
Aaaanndd the concert has started. There are about as many celebrities here as I’m sure were in attendance at the premiere party for Season 5 of “Sister Wives.”
I don’t know how, but all of this music sounds racist. Like if this music were a person, without a doubt it would be Mel Gibson.
Am I so high that I just imagined this or did Trump just cry to Three Doors Down? If you’re going to cry to any top radio song from 2002, at least let it be something by Avril Lavigne.
These cover bands are all trash. They should have just hired the Hilary Duff impersonator that sang at my rich 4th grade classmate’s 10th birthday party. At least she threw out glowsticks to us.
How are these folks really gonna do Lincoln dirty like this. He has no choice but to watch this mess. I’m half-hoping that his statue becomes sentient, gets up from his chair and walks away.
Now a group of dads who know how to use YouTube are repeating, “It’s gonna be OK” in an eerie way that makes me question if it’s really gonna be OK. Man, I need another hit.
It’s finally over and the whole event was one messy bitch.
Overall, I rate the inauguration one Rick Harrison’s goatee.
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