The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Thursday May 26th

You Asked for It: In which we confront angels, devils and sickness

<p>Perry Carter and Derek Fulton are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.</p>
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Perry Carter and Derek Fulton are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

Perry Carter (Ronald) and Derek Fulton (Ray-gun) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: I’ve been having a rough time with a mild sickness that I suspect might be due to the Streptococcus bacteria. It looks like this: oooooooooooooo ooo oooooooooooooo o. I really want to just take it easy and undo my heavy drinking with some lovely zzzzzz’s, like I deserve. My roommate’s guests are being a bit rowdy, and even smeared deodorant on my mirror. She lives for Jell-O shots and partying, so I feel a bit bad about shutting it down, because this is, like, her thing. What do I do?

You Asked For It: I get where you’re coming from. You’re in a moral dilemma. So let us use the timeless (just like in Animal House!) angel/devil metaphor.

Angel: Don’t shut it down. This is, like, her thing. She gave you ample notice of the party and you owe it to her to let her keep getting crunk like she deserves.

Devil: Yeah, but the floor and walls are littered with Jell-O shots. The ceiling has somehow accrued a wine stain. How tf does that even happen? Too much liability for my 3k deposit. Ned-Stark it.

Angel: Do you really fear for your deposit that much? If Jell-O stained, they would be out of business. This too shall pass (Acts 2:21).

Devil: On second thought, my throat really hurts. Worse than it did just before my PHYS 118 studio. It’s too bad, and I need rest for medical reasons. It’s non-negotiable. Party’s over.

Angel: Okay. See you on judgment day.

There’s your answer. As my grandmother once said, you’re going to be old for a lot longer than you’re going to be young. And health comes first. It would be incredibly irresponsible to deprive your withering constitution of the rest and recuperation it needs. You’re worth it. Also, down some Robitussin. Yeah, the whole bottle. It’ll help. A lot.

You: I think I have what the kids are calling "the Carolina Cough."  What's worse is I'm a senior, and I'm underloading, so I have all this time to go out. But I don't feel good enough to have a good time. What are some ways to raise the roof while I'm *beat* under the weather?
You Asked For It: For better or for worse, your problem is not unique: college is fun (especially senior beer), but at the same time, the experience can be really germy thanks to the uneducated self-care habits of young people as well as boatloads of communal surfaces.

Illness in college is inevitable, but it doesn't have to sideline you from the nightlife scene you read about on College Confidential that got you to apply here in the first place. Here are my go-to drink recipes for when I want to go from Ah-choo! to Ah-cheers!:

1. "Vitamin-C Mimos-A"

  • This one is perfect if you're starting early. Plus, it's a known fact that cold symptoms are worse in the morning!
  • 2 Packets Emergen-C
  • 2 shots Tito's vodka  

*Bonus if served in a hot water bottle!

2. "Bagock! Toddy!"

  • Clear your sinuses with this hot beverage. And clear your schedule in the morning because tonight you're doing it up!
  • 10 fl oz. of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup 
  • 2 shots Johnnie Walker 
  • Garnish with saltines

3. "Nosé" 

  • This one can vary depending on what you happen to have up your sleeve... or your nostrils! *wink*
  • 10 fl oz. MYX Moscato 
  • 2-3 shots of your own mucus 

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