Perry Carter (Sparkling Water) and Derek Fulton (Sparkling Eyes) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: Hey, I’m considering adopting a highway. What should I know before I do?
Perry: Wow, I’m glad you came to me with this. It’s a very big decision to adopt a highway, to no longer be the only thing you look out for in your own life.
Some basic things you should know about highways before you adopt: They’re sensitive but also hearty. They are selfless in nature, but it doesn’t mean they don’t want thanks. They have “rumble strips” both emotional and literal.
If you think you’re up to it, all that said, here’s how to go about the adoption process:
1. Start your search close to home.The length of I-40 you hop on to get to the good Trader Joe’s could be “perfect.”
2. Don’t get caught up in looks. Yeah, that one part of the interstate might buckle in the summer and have dead deer all over it, but should that preclude from love and care?
3. Be prepared to put in the time. You’re not going to want to hang out on the shoulder for hours in the sun, sitting in your folding chair, but you will. Why? Because that’s love.
Derek: Hey, I am in full agreement with Perry’s excellent advice. Adopt don’t shop.
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