Perry: I’m so glad I got it today because it is a great idea for you sure I can get you some stuff for you tomorrow I have a good idea for y’all to do that tomorrow I have a couple more hours I think I’m coming to pick y’all tonight I’m sorry I cannot I have a good time you know what you want me and you want me you to go to see me and I will be about it tomorrow and I’ll let you know what if you want me and you want me I love y’all I’ll be sure you can get them tomorrow I will be sure y’all are going on a good night or maybe I could do a little more stuff to you get to know if you’re interested or maybe I could do a good job and then do I need a gift for my birthday and then I will get them back to you when I get there I will let you know when I get there I will be there in about a half hour or so then I will be there in about a half hour or so then or so then I will be there in about an Beyonce

This answer was brought to you by predictive text on the all new iPhone X. Say hello to the future.

You: Dear Derek,

Where the f--- have you been? I haven’t seen your articles recently, and I’m worried sick. First it was strep throat, next it was negligence. I’m getting fed up with Perry’s articles. I miss the quality content that The Daily Tar Heel is known and loved for, worldwide.

Sincerely,

Editor

Derek: Dear Editor,

Forgive my absence. I’ve been quite busy lately. And, like my father always said, when you’re stressed about something, worried about a deadline, anxious that you’re flaking more than you’re delivering, follow the classic three-step process. It is:

Ignore, evade, deny

Or, IED for short. (Note that this is different from an improvised explosive device commonly found in tragically war-torn areas of the globe.)

Note this strategy works incredibly well for areas of life beyond that of a world-renowned and well-respected DTH satirist like myself. But for those few and far between times in which this method fails, there’s always the natural supplement:

Deny, lie, counter-accuse

It sounds extreme. Because it is. It sounds aggressive. Because it is. But when you’re backed into a corner, it may be your only option. 

So there you have it. That’s why I haven’t been around these past few weeks. But a better question for you is: Where have you been these past few weeks?