The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Wednesday May 25th

You Asked for It: In which we check for iOS updates and bite the hand that feeds us

Perry Carter (Thor: Ragnarok) and Derek Fulton (Thor: Fraggle Rock) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: Dear Perry,

I just got the iPhone X. Any tips for how to navigate the new updates?


New phone who dis?

Perry: I’m so glad I got it today because it is a great idea for you sure I can get you some stuff for you tomorrow I have a good idea for y’all to do that tomorrow I have a couple more hours I think I’m coming to pick y’all tonight I’m sorry I cannot I have a good time you know what you want me and you want me you to go to see me and I will be about it tomorrow and I’ll let you know what if you want me and you want me I love y’all I’ll be sure you can get them tomorrow I will be sure y’all are going on a good night or maybe I could do a little more stuff to you get to know if you’re interested or maybe I could do a good job and then do I need a gift for my birthday and then I will get them back to you when I get there I will let you know when I get there I will be there in about a half hour or so then I will be there in about a half hour or so then or so then I will be there in about an Beyonce

This answer was brought to you by predictive text on the all new iPhone X. Say hello to the future.

You: Dear Derek,

Where the f--- have you been? I haven’t seen your articles recently, and I’m worried sick. First it was strep throat, next it was negligence. I’m getting fed up with Perry’s articles. I miss the quality content that The Daily Tar Heel is known and loved for, worldwide.



Derek: Dear Editor,

Forgive my absence. I’ve been quite busy lately. And, like my father always said, when you’re stressed about something, worried about a deadline, anxious that you’re flaking more than you’re delivering, follow the classic three-step process. It is:

Ignore, evade, deny

Or, IED for short. (Note that this is different from an improvised explosive device commonly found in tragically war-torn areas of the globe.)

Note this strategy works incredibly well for areas of life beyond that of a world-renowned and well-respected DTH satirist like myself. But for those few and far between times in which this method fails, there’s always the natural supplement:

Deny, lie, counter-accuse

It sounds extreme. Because it is. It sounds aggressive. Because it is. But when you’re backed into a corner, it may be your only option. 

So there you have it. That’s why I haven’t been around these past few weeks. But a better question for you is: Where have you been these past few weeks?

To get the day's news and headlines in your inbox each morning, sign up for our email newsletters.


The Daily Tar Heel Victory Paper for March 7, 2022

Special Print Edition

Games & Horoscopes

Print Edition Games Archive