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Perry Carter (Fitz Grant) and James Scalise (Josiah Bartlet) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You:
It was President’s Day last week. Do you guys know any fun facts about the presidents we’ve had?
Perry:
Hello! Here are some fast facts I know about America’s best daddies.
Washington: owned like 30 foxhounds during his life
Jefferson: invented the wire coat hanger
Jackson: a North Carolina native!
Taylor: died because he ate too much fruit and cold milk
Harrison: was only president for a month!
Lincoln: had that disease that Egyptian Pharaoh Akhenaten had that made his limbs and features super elongated.
Cleveland: technically was the 22nd and 24th president!
McKinley: namesake of the high school on Freaks and Geeks and on Glee!
Theodore Roosevelt: the uniform he wore in the Navy was made by Brooks Brothers
Taft: had a giant bathtub that could fit nine adults
Woodrow Wilson: his first name is a palindrome!
Hoover: subject of a song from the hit musical Annie
Franklin Delano Roosevelt: first presidential portrait in color!
John F. Kennedy: had an affair with Lana Del Rey
Lyndon B. Johnson: loved Fresca so much that he had a tap of it installed in the Oval Office
Nixon: left office on the anniversary of the Nagasaki bombing
Carter: HE AND I ARE RELATED
All I know is all I know, and that’s all I know.
James:
I’ll detonate this little knowledge bomb: James is the most common first name for a president. Madison, Monroe, Polk, Buchanan, Garfield, CARTER. That’s right honey, Jimmy is a James!
That’s it. I have three midterms this week! Just Google some facts if you care so much.
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