Perry Carter (calc-u-later) and James Scalise (wrecked-angle) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
Dear Perry and James,
All my potential internships fell through and I have nothing to do over the summer! Any recommendations?
The answer to this question shall be presented in dialogue.
Perry: Hi there. James, say something.
Perry: Okay, don’t yell at them.
James: I’m not!
James: You can’t just say “sighs.”
Perry: I didn’t. I used asterisks. *shrugs*
James: I think that reads as amateurish.
Perry: Well, it’s not like we are professionals. We aren’t paid.
James: I’m paid.
Perry: Wait, what? Is that true?
Perry: How is that possible? You were hired after me.
James: Take it up with the editor.
Perry: I will email Emily later. What should we say to the person who wrote in?
James: I am honestly not the person to ask. Maybe they can join a volleyball league? That’s my favorite Olympic sport.
Perry: You just like it for the girls in bikinis.
Perry: Why are there six players in regular volleyball but only two in beach volleyball?
James: It’s just a different game. Beach is way better.
Perry: I disagree. Sand hurts when you fall on it.
James: No it doesn’t.
Perry: I bet you $20 a sand burn hurts worse than a court burn.
James: Do sand burns even exist?
Perry: That would be a good summer research project. Maybe the person who wrote in can apply for a grant?
James: This University tosses out grants like candy
Perry: Watch what you say. My roommate is a Morehead.
James: I can’t stand Moreheads. Did you know they call each other “cousins”?
Perry: I did know that. Did you apply for Morehead?
James: No, I wasn’t an athlete in high school. I told my sister to apply. She was captain of her tennis team. She didn’t make it past the first round.
Perry: I mean, it’s really hard to get. College can feel like a rat race.
James: That doesn’t even scratch the topic of economic disparities!
Perry: You’re right. It doesn’t. Should we open that can of worms?
James: No way Emily will allot us the space.
Perry: @Emily can we
James: @Emily please
To get the day's news and headlines in your inbox each morning, sign up for our email newsletters.