The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Friday August 19th

You Asked for It: In which we discuss summer plans as volleyball fans

Perry Carter (calc-u-later) and James Scalise (wrecked-angle) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

Dear Perry and James,

All my potential internships fell through and I have nothing to do over the summer! Any recommendations?


Summertime Sadboi 

The answer to this question shall be presented in dialogue.

Perry: Hi there. James, say something. 

James: Hello!

Perry: Okay, don’t yell at them. 

James: I’m not!

Perry: *sighs*

James: You can’t just say “sighs.”

Perry: I didn’t. I used asterisks. *shrugs*

James: I think that reads as amateurish.

Perry: Well, it’s not like we are professionals. We aren’t paid. 

James: I’m paid.

Perry: Wait, what? Is that true?

James: Yes.

Perry: How is that possible? You were hired after me. 

James: Take it up with the editor.

Perry: I will email Emily later. What should we say to the person who wrote in?

James: I am honestly not the person to ask. Maybe they can join a volleyball league? That’s my favorite Olympic sport.

Perry: You just like it for the girls in bikinis. 

James: Guilty!

Perry: Why are there six players in regular volleyball but only two in beach volleyball?

James: It’s just a different game. Beach is way better.

Perry: I disagree. Sand hurts when you fall on it. 

James: No it doesn’t.

Perry: I bet you $20 a sand burn hurts worse than a court burn. 

James: Do sand burns even exist?

Perry: That would be a good summer research project. Maybe the person who wrote in can apply for a grant?

James: This University tosses out grants like candy

Perry: Watch what you say. My roommate is a Morehead. 

James: I can’t stand Moreheads. Did you know they call each other “cousins”?

Perry: I did know that. Did you apply for Morehead?

James: No, I wasn’t an athlete in high school. I told my sister to apply. She was captain of her tennis team. She didn’t make it past the first round.

Perry: I mean, it’s really hard to get. College can feel like a rat race. 

James: That doesn’t even scratch the topic of economic disparities!

Perry: You’re right. It doesn’t. Should we open that can of worms?

James: No way Emily will allot us the space.

Perry: @Emily can we

James: @Emily please

Emily: oof

To get the day's news and headlines in your inbox each morning, sign up for our email newsletters.


The Daily Tar Heel Victory Paper for March 7, 2022

Special Print Edition

Games & Horoscopes

Print Edition Games Archive