The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Friday August 19th

You Asked for It: In which we discuss summer plans as volleyball fans

Perry Carter (calc-u-later) and James Scalise (wrecked-angle) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.


Dear Perry and James,

All my potential internships fell through and I have nothing to do over the summer! Any recommendations?

Sincerely,

Summertime Sadboi 


The answer to this question shall be presented in dialogue.

Perry: Hi there. James, say something. 

James: Hello!

Perry: Okay, don’t yell at them. 

James: I’m not!

Perry: *sighs*

James: You can’t just say “sighs.”

Perry: I didn’t. I used asterisks. *shrugs*

James: I think that reads as amateurish.

Perry: Well, it’s not like we are professionals. We aren’t paid. 

James: I’m paid.

Perry: Wait, what? Is that true?

James: Yes.

Perry: How is that possible? You were hired after me. 

James: Take it up with the editor.

Perry: I will email Emily later. What should we say to the person who wrote in?

James: I am honestly not the person to ask. Maybe they can join a volleyball league? That’s my favorite Olympic sport.

Perry: You just like it for the girls in bikinis. 

James: Guilty!

Perry: Why are there six players in regular volleyball but only two in beach volleyball?

James: It’s just a different game. Beach is way better.

Perry: I disagree. Sand hurts when you fall on it. 

James: No it doesn’t.

Perry: I bet you $20 a sand burn hurts worse than a court burn. 

James: Do sand burns even exist?

Perry: That would be a good summer research project. Maybe the person who wrote in can apply for a grant?

James: This University tosses out grants like candy

Perry: Watch what you say. My roommate is a Morehead. 

James: I can’t stand Moreheads. Did you know they call each other “cousins”?

Perry: I did know that. Did you apply for Morehead?

James: No, I wasn’t an athlete in high school. I told my sister to apply. She was captain of her tennis team. She didn’t make it past the first round.

Perry: I mean, it’s really hard to get. College can feel like a rat race. 

James: That doesn’t even scratch the topic of economic disparities!

Perry: You’re right. It doesn’t. Should we open that can of worms?

James: No way Emily will allot us the space.

Perry: @Emily can we

James: @Emily please

Emily: oof

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