The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Saturday January 23rd

Column: 31 thoughts on 'Halloween'

Slasher films that dominated the 1970s and 1980s feature an assortment of crazed madmen terrorizing innocent civilians, striking frenetic fear into whoever decided they were brave enough to watch them. Movie villains such as Jason, Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers dominated theaters during this time, but their stranglehold on the horror genre would loosen as their filmmakers’ ideas grew stale and the surrounding industry shifted to a focus on the paranormal instead. 

The Oct. 19 release of "Halloween," a direct sequel to the 1978 film by the same name, may buck the trend of failing slasher flicks, potentially sparking a resurgence of masked murderers on cinema screens. 

The movie, in brief, is dope. It’s very fun, and I had plenty of not-so-serious thoughts about a not-so-serious horror movie that was far more entertaining than it was frightening. 

(Warning: Spoilers ahead.)

  1. Acting as if the last nine "Halloween" movies never existed is probably for the best, to be honest. I mean, have you seen them? I love watching a knife-wielding Michael Myers roam around killing people while John Carpenter’s score sends chills down my spine, but some of those films were just... yikes. 
  2. Anyway, "Halloween." It’s dope. 
  3. Let’s get this out of the way really quick: I think it’s perfectly fine to root for the murderer in a slasher flick because half of the victims probably deserved their fate anyway. Plus, it’s a movie. Who cares? It’s not real. Nothing is real. The more chaos, the better. 
  4. There’s a scene in the early stages of the movie where Michael and his other insane asylum-buddies are being transported at night via bus to another location. However, the bus crashes, because of course it does, thus releasing all of the patients, because of course it does. 
  5. A father-son duo just so happens to drive up to the crash site, and the father, being oh-so considerate (and oh-so naïve), decides to wander around the road to see if anyone needs help. Upon exiting the vehicle, he tells his son some rather simple directions: Stay in the truck. 
  6. The son does not stay in the truck. 
  7. Instead, he hops out with his hunting rifle and walks over toward the bus. On the way there, he spots a guard who is noticeably injured but also noticeably unconscious. The son gets closer and closer until the guard reaches out to him, and says, quite literally, “RUN.” 
  8. Now, if I were that boy, and a man who was bleeding badly told me to run, I would probably think, “Hey, maybe I should run. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.” 
  9. The son does not run. 
  10. Instead, he proceeded to snoop around the crash site, this time entering the nearly-abandoned bus. Upon entry, a startled Dr. Sartain (Michael’s doctor, played by Haluk Bilginer) tells the boy not to shoot him. 
  11. The boy shoots him. 
  12. This kid is f—ing terrible at following directions. 
  13. You’re a hunter for Christ’s sake — keep your finger off the trigger. Amateur. 
  14. He then flees the scene, climbs back into his dad’s truck, and immediately gets his neck cracked like a glow stick by Michael Myers. 
  15. That boy deserved that shit. I don’t care if he’s only a kid. He was a dumb kid that failed to follow even the simplest of directions, and for that he deserved what he got. (This isn’t my first time blaming the victims in horror movies — shoutout to Georgie from "It."
  16. Later, two investigative reporters working on a podcast offer to pay Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) for an interview, and I must say, the total disregard for ethical behavior is just appalling. I’m shocked. I’m disgusted. This is highly unethical, and I will not stand for this. I will not. There should be consequences for such despicable behavior. I hope they get what’s coming to them. 
  17. (They did in fact get what was coming to them.) 
  18. Here is a quote that I will gladly provide without a single ounce of context: “Aw man, I got peanut butter on my penis.” 
  19. Here is another wonderful quote without context, because it’s beautiful and doesn’t need it: “You want to shit under my sink? I will murder you and your whole family.” 
  20. Wait, do I need to talk about the deaths now? 
  21. Yes, I should probably talk about the deaths now. 
  22. Michael Myers, fresh out of the sanatorium with his handy-dandy mask, walks around the streets on the night of Halloween... OK let’s pretend he’s not a murderous, bloodthirsty psychopath for just one second... What candy do you think he’d give out to trick-or-treaters? Would he give out those huge candy bars? No, I bet he’d be like one of those lame houses that give out apples or toothbrushes or some shit, except this time he gives out human teeth. What a bummer. 
  23. Wait, would that mean that Laurie Strode gives out Activia
  24. Yeah, she totally gives out Activia. 
  25. Oh, yeah, the murders. Michael does his thing. I mean, he really does his thing. On the original night, way back in 1978, he killed five people; this time he triples that number. 
  26. He’s like the Steph Curry of murder. 
  27. Some noteworthy deaths: 
  28. Michael turned one guy’s body into a very decadent wall ornament. (If Michael decides to take a break from the whole stabbing-random-people-in-the-face-thing, then maybe he should get his own show on HGTV. It’s obvious that he has an eye for interior design, and his brilliant vision just has to be shared with the public.)
  29. In another instance, Michael chases (OK, walks) after a drunk teenager who attempts to climb a fence to escape. However, the costumed drunkard, donning a cape, gets caught on the fence, and is met with a rather gruesome fate. (He got killed, if you were wondering.) This is just another example of why Edna Mode from "The Incredibles" claimed that capes were to never be worn— they’re just so damn inconvenient, whether you’re a hero or some random teenager. 
  30. The films ending features a confrontation between Michael and the Strode family, a battle that viewers everywhere knew was inevitable. However, for a family that spent years and years planning to kill Michael if he were to ever escape, they are really bad at getting the job done. Why, after so many years of preparation, are they so inept at killing Michael? 
  31. Karen Strode (Julie Greer), with a rifle in her hands and Michael just standing creepily still at the top of the stairs to the basement, decides that the best place to shoot him is the f—ing shoulder. Then, Laurie comes out from the shadows and stabs Michael in the back. Why not aim for the head? Why? Why? I don’t care if Michael was ultimately left trapped in the basement of a burning house, we all know he didn’t die from that shit. You think a man who patiently waited 40 whole years to kill again is just going to die from some Smokey-The-Bear-shit? Hell no. Take a lesson from Thanos: You should have gone for the head.

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