YAFI: In which we bring back 'your mom' jokes

Dear YAFI,

I need to hire a new team to make sure I avoid wearing offensively colonial outfits again. Do you know any good stylists? 

Sincerely, 

Melania Trump

Hello Melania, 

Funny you should ask because both Annie and I are graduating seniors with absolutely zero employment prospects. Honestly, I’m pretty convinced that I should be the sixth "Queer Eye" expert – specializing in accessories, of course — and Annie has been told she has a “vaguely memorable” style. 

Unfortunately, we are not desperate enough to be employed by the GOP at this time. However, please do consider us for future opportunities because the likelihood that we will have a collective manic downswing in the near future and completely doubt our self worth is very high, and in that grim, desolate moment we’d be especially enthusiastic about joining your team. 

Dear YAFI: 

OMG every1 keeps tlking abut University Day. WTF! Y shld I kno abut frickin University Day? Wut even is that? 

Sincerely, 

Chancellor Carol L. Folt 

OMG! Hi Carol!

First things first: did you write this on a Razr cellphone circa 2008? Because that is so 2000 and LATE! *Annie high-fives Kent for excellent Black Eyed Peas reference*

Second things second: University Day is the University’s birthday! Yay! And this year the University is turning 225. Almost as old as your mom, Carol! *Kent high-fives Annie for impeccable, tasteful your-mom joke* And like any other reasonable old person, the University is celebrating its geriatric age by getting a facelift! (This “facelift” is a reference to the incessant, interminable Pit construction that has completely disrupted everyone’s migration patterns on campus). We here at YAFI love, LOVE plastic surgery — Kent is three brow lifts away from his desired forehead shape — and we totally stan the University’s eagerness to get under the knife. 

Dear YAFI:

I saw “A Star is Born” and really liked it. Only problem is, I’m straight. Can straight people like Lady Gaga too? 

Sincerely,

Straight and confused — but not like “confused” confused, just, like, confused.  

Dear straight and confused, 

Funny you should bring this up — my (Annie’s) dad actually just recently saw “A Star is Born.” If there’s anything my dad hates more than a musical, it’s a musical with wishy-washy, feel-good, romantic overtones. Strangely enough, though, he, too, loved it. He said Lady Gaga was “very talented.” Which is true but, like, still. Surprising. Anyway, maybe I’m biased because I saw Lady Gaga in concert in 8th grade, and it was a stunning, memorable experience for everyone involved. I wore the tallest heels I’ve ever worn in my life and drew a purple glittery lightning bolt on my face. It was so, so horrifying. But it was ok! Lady Gaga played the piano with her feet, so no one even really noticed. My point being: Lady Gaga is universal. Embrace your love for her.