The Daily Tar Heel
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The Daily Tar Heel

Editor's note: This article is satire.

Earlier this year, counties and Karens alike throughout North Carolina started to challenge books by Nobel laureates and world-class writers, labeling them as un-American and satanic. 

Florida, beyond having the most instances of tossing live alligators into Wendy's drive-thru windows, has us beat on banning books, with over 300 removed from public schools throughout the state. Clearly, we need to take drastic measures to catch up. 

The problem is that we are trying to use a scalpel to get rid of specific books, but are overlooking the larger issue. We need to combat the root of the problem, and ban libraries.

We must take down these institutions that are peddling propaganda pamphlets to our kids. Toni Morrison, with the exception of her hit “Brown Eyed Girl,” is providing youth with life prescriptions of rock 'n roll and promiscuity.

Dr. Seuss is promoting unrealistic beauty standards through his orange depiction of Danny Devito in "The Lorax." Even worse, promoting the ownership of ugly turtlenecks is a serious crime against the fashion community. 

“The Little Engine That Could" is creating too many alpha males with money-making schemes, and sadly, my bank account won’t dissuade me from being swindled into another persuasive drop-shipping program. 

Have you ever talked to a kid about the latest "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" book? Well, if you haven’t, after hearing the fourth “Zoo-Wee Mama!,” you realize the sick sense of humor that Jeff Kinney had in publishing this series. 

The dangerous ideas in these books are endless, and they are indoctrinating our children — I cannot have another 5th grader ruin the plot of the "Magic Tree House" books for me. These are the only books holding up the facade that I’m a sophisticated reader. 

It's even making them violent and potentially dangerous; after reading “The Art of War," they kept quoting Sun Tzu as they annexed my fruit snacks.

A good old-fashioned iPad and free-range access to the internet is the only way to ensure a quality education. Literacy rates in children have become dangerously high; you know it's getting bad when books are just as accessible as guns.

I don’t want kids to understand the complex dynamics of racial identity in the modern United States. I want them to know about Joe Rogan’s latest views on the benefits of eating bull testicles or whether Gigi Hadid’s pasta is actually worth it.

Exposure to the harsh realities of the world crushes the innocence of children; schooling should be an amalgamation of parents' ideas rather than a variety of worldviews. Children should only be educated by their aunts’ latest post on what the liberals call the “climate situation” or parents' enraged Nextdoor comments about ‘porch pirates.’ 

Teachers are a big part of this problem too. Instead of allowing kids silent reading time, they should do a frame-by-frame analysis of "Tucker Carlson Tonight," or, even better, a lesson on how to understand the benefits of colonialism in the United States.

Children are being exposed to things they shouldn't, not because of the topics, but because they know them before I do. The last person I want to inform me about uncomfortable history, contemporary concerns or growing societal guilt is someone who hasn’t completely discovered deodorant. 

We do not need to have all of these school board meetings or the continuation of the infamously confusing Dewey Decimal System. The solution to this detrimental problem is clear: we don’t need to burn the books, just the libraries.

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