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The Daily Tar Heel

Editor's note: This article is satire.

In late 2021, when Raising Cane’s purchased the building at 101 E. Franklin St., I was battling the ups and downs of 11th grade.

Now, nearly two years later, I’m a first-year in college, and my mouth is watering for the chicken fingers and crinkle-cut fries I’ve been promised. 

With a grand opening date finally announced, here’s how I envision my long-awaited trip to Cane’s: 

Once a hole-in-the-wall, Cane's has polished glass windows and a bright red ribbon set to be cut with obscenely large scissors. Students, alumni and community members alike form a line all the way down to Insomnia Cookies to celebrate the magical moment that this is. 

As I step inside, I’m faced with joyously cheering children, the smell of salted fries and happiness and the distant squawking sound of … honestly, I’m not going to think too hard about it.

Amid the buzz of excitement around me, I grab a menu.

It is a feat to behold, a marvel. I bathe in the nation’s newest glory. I nearly shed a tear. But I’ve waited so long, I’m so hungry. I press on through the crowd.

I step up to order my 50-finger tailgate meal. The prophecy is within reach! But, something seems off, and it’s not the six-foot half-chicken, half-man behind the counter. The worker gives me a bizarre look, and I’m suddenly self-conscious. 

I look down to see that I am covered in dirt and rags — my body is no longer a body, but a walking skeleton! I let out a ghoulish moan as I realize: I have literally clawed my way from the grave to be here. 

After all this time, Raising Cane’s has raised me from the dead.

It’s now 2097. This is a safe space to be a skeleton. So the worker takes my order and makes sure I know to take some back to my gravemates. 

As I wait, I begin to really look around and note all the ways the world around me has changed. I see people calling their loved ones in tears. I take small joy in seeing that the latest iPhone is finally shaped like an apple.

Beyond the bizarre new world around me, I realize some things have stayed the same. I look down at my ticket to see, “Come back for pickup: 2103.”

@emlculley

@dthopinion | opinion@dailytarheel.com

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