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Editor's note: This article is satire.

The "Who Would Win" book series is a collection that pits two animals against each other and evaluates who would win. Here are my own, with a modern twist. 

Mitch McConnell vs. a purple marshmallow Peep 

I’ll give McConnell the initial edge here, certain to be on the offensive, but years of weathering on his enamel have left his teeth soft and sensitive. After a brutal battle gnawing on that purple Peep, he’s certain to wish he had never indulged. 

A tie, you’d think, but: the peep’s last defense? A sugar rush, one McConnell's wretched heart simply can’t handle. 

Peep: 1, McConnell: 0.  

Henry VIII vs. "cardigan" by Taylor Swift: 

The lead single from Swift's album "folklore" set a new tone for the singer, receiving praise from both critics and fans. The song charted at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100, whereas Henry spent the majority of his reign rewriting his religion for the sole purpose of disposing of his wives, alternating between annulments and executions. 

Politically speaking, Henry VIII also spent the Crown’s wealth initiating unnecessary wars, whereas "cardigan" is a wonderful song to curl up to on a fall afternoon with a chai tea, thinking of days long past. 

If you needed any more convincing that "cardigan" is the clear winner here, Swift seals the deal with the lyric, “Leavin' like a father, running like water,” a cutting jab when you consider the children Henry left when he moved on to his subsequent marriages. 

Swift: 1, Henry: 6 (wives)

Kim Kardashian vs. Cain from the Bible 

In case any of our readers aren’t especially knowledgeable about the Christian faith, Cain, the son of Adam and Eve, is known for enviously killing his brother Abel because God preferred an offering Abel made over Cain’s offering. He was subsequently left with the mark of Cain as a punishment from God and forced to wander for the rest of his time. 

In the world of sibling tropes, Cain is the brother that never measures up. The fleabag of the family, the walking "L." Kim Kardashian, on the other hand, is undoubtedly the star of the Kardashians. She is one of those people I look at and know deep down: she's one of God’s favorites. 

As history has taught me, God’s favorites will always win. So while I want to say Cain has a fighting chance, we all know he doesn’t. 

Kardashian: 1, Cain: 0

"Duck Dynasty" vs. the entire cast of "Queer Eye"

When asked in a 2013 interview what he deemed sinful, Phil Robertson, the head of the "Duck Dynasty" cast, said “homosexuals” would never inherit the kingdom of God. Put him in a room with Jonathan van Ness from "Queer Eye," and there’s bound to be a brawl. 

At first glance, you’d think the cast of "Queer Eye" would win. Who could stand in the way of judgmental gays? That being said, I can safely assume that the dynasty would ultimately come out on top. The "Queer Eye" cast, underneath it all, has good intentions. 

"Duck Dynasty," on the other hand, is a group of self-labeled Christians who sold out their entire value system for a few years of fame. Despite all that, they still managed to cling onto their bigoted beliefs, proving once again there’s no hate like Christian love. 

Homophobia: 1, "Queer Eye": 0

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Hillary Clinton vs. hammerhead shark

Hillary Clinton comes in at around 5 feet, 5 inches tall, whereas the average hammerhead shark ranges from 15 to 18 feet, so we’re already losing in the size department for Clinton. In addition to that, the hammerhead shark has a total of 17 rows of teeth on its upper and lower jaw, whereas Miss Hillary only has two rows, one on the top and one on the bottom. 

That said, it’s important to consider the actual bite force potential of the two. 

Initially, you’d think the shark, but I’m sure Clinton worked up some jaw power during all that time she spent gritting her teeth during her husband's presidency, so with that in mind, we’ve reached a tie. 

It really all comes down to the hammerhead shark’s hypervigilance. Due to their wide set eyes, hammerhead sharks are constantly demonstrating situational awareness, something Clinton lacks. Even though Clinton and the shark go toe to toe in terms of eye separation, she lacks the shark’s situational awareness and sense of forethought, which was especially evident in her sending of classified emails over her personal email prior to her bid for president. 

@dthopinion |