Editor's note: This article is satire.
Recently, the Board of Governors approved a new policy for the state budget that non-STEM professors in the UNC System can no longer receive distinguished professorships. These awards give them a pay raise and a funding boost for research. From now on, only professors in STEM departments will be up for the coveted spots. Quite frankly, I don’t know why people are surprised and upset over the news. I actually think it’s a great decision. Here’s why:
This decision simply reflects the job market.
People need jobs. And all of the available jobs these days are in Silicon Valley tinkering around on computers and beep-booping with flasks and lab coats. I’m even doing that now. Just clicking around on my computer invented by what were most definitely distinguished professors in STEM fields. Why wouldn't we fund STEM professors when they are teaching our future beep-boopers?
Shows and movies haven't been that great recently.
I feel like humanities professors are to blame. Have you seen "Bachelor in Paradise"? What about "Five Nights at Freddy’s"? Or "No Hard Feelings"? If the funding that is going to theater and English majors were instead funneled into making actual useful things like faster electric scooters, maybe society would be better off. And what about the movie "Bottoms," featuring Rachel Sennott? Actually, wait, I like that one.
Thinking critically is annoying.
Humanities professors just drone on about theories and metaphors, and I never understand what they’re saying. I’m always sitting there in class, thinking, "This poem is confusing." Do you remember having to read a book in class and then write about it? It’s always questions like, "How can I think critically?" and "What does this mean about society?" Science, on the other hand, is easy. It doesn’t ask me to do that stuff. There are fun pictures of atoms and electrons and robots that can do cool stuff, like telling me the humidity level outside.