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The Daily Tar Heel

Editor's note: This article is satire.

The "Who Would Win" book series is a collection that pits two animals against each other and evaluates who would win. Here are my own, with a modern twist. 

Selena Gomez versus Narcissus 

In case any of you did not have an intense two-year Percy Jackson-inspired Greek mythology phase in elementary school, Narcissus is a Greek figure who was so entrenched with his own beauty he fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water.

His love for himself was so deep he ultimately died from a lack of any sort of nourishment, refusing to look away from his own reflection in the water.  

This is a level of narcissism I see directly mirrored in Selena Gomez. In the wake of a genocide occurring in Gaza, Gomez felt the need to clarify to the general public that, like always, she’s the true victim here.

Taking to Instagram to share the revelation that “there’s a lot going on in the world right now,” Gomez faced extreme backlash over her disconnected post and later went on to say that she needed to take a break from social media. 

While children in Gaza are bombed and killed, from which they have no way of taking a break from, it’s always comforting to know that a celebrity like Selena Gomez can prioritize herself. It’s for this reason that I’ll hand this battle to Selena. Maybe if she cries enough crocodile tears she too can longingly stare into the reflection of her face just like Narcissus.

Selena: 1 Narcissus: 0

Charles Darwin versus Lana Del Rey

Charles Darwin is often referred to as one of the most influential scientists in history, with his theory on natural selection laying the groundwork for evolutionary science for years to come.

Lana Del Rey, on the other hand, made "Norman Fucking Rockwell." I won’t keep my readers hanging, this battle is a done deal with Lana coming out victorious. To begin with, Lana has 10 Grammy nominations, whereas Charles has 0. Darwin’s theory of natural selection has definitely progressed our current understanding of evolution, but at the end of the day it’s still a theory. Del Rey, however, provides substance. Outside of a biology class there’s really nothing for me to do with the concept of natural selection. I can, however, sob on the shower floor to "How to Disappear" by Lana Del Rey. 

I’m not hating Darwin by any means, he’s definitely made waves in the science community, but I’m certain that with enough time Del Rey would have been able to piece together natural selection on her own. I’m not so certain that Darwin would have been able to come up with the lyric “Your mom called, I told her, you’re fucking up big time,” like Lana did. 

Darwin: 0 Lana: 5 grammy nominations

Gwyneth Paltrow versus Big Tobacco 

Gweyneth Paltrow once revealed in an interview that she allows herself a single cigarette a week. As a former pack a day smoker, I’ve always admired this about her. There’s a strength and elegance in her ability to balance this unhealthy habit with the wellness lifestyle she promotes through her company Goop. 

Goop was founded by Paltrow, originally beginning as a newsletter, and eventually developing into a full fledged commercial company. Its products are along the lines of fragrances, supplements and anti-aging medication. While the company has received several lawsuits and consistently been a center for criticism, I can’t help but call myself a fan. 

Paltrow has tapped into the deep psyche of late stage capitalism and manipulated thousands of impressionable women into adopting lifestyles backed solely by pseudoscience. Big Tobacco has certainly made similar moves in American culture, yet, Big Tobacco relies on the inherent addictiveness of nicotine, whereas Paltrow has managed to hook her subscribers with literally nothing but an aesthetic. 

Add that to Paltrow’s ability to occasionally tap into a cigarette, you’ve got yourself a win for Gwyneth. 

Gwyneth: 1 Big Tobacco: 0 Me: 3 months without a cigarette 

@dthopinion |

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