Editor's note: this article is satire.
Finals are less than a week away and you’ve been chosen as one of our contestants for our biannual competition: “UNC Finals Survivor."
Welcome to the fall 2023 season!
Training is well underway. Note: students average around 22 hours of (brain) exercise, to prepare for the real thing. We hope you’ve been doing your flashcard push-ups.
When the clock starts, you are marooned away from friends, family and any support. It is your objective to survive and advance.
Want to know what you’re playing for? A passing grade.
First hint: find your hot spots and their hours of busy operation. Most people think the key to success is getting to places early, but all you're doing is entering yourself in a bloodbath. Let those rookies fight each other in the Undergraduate Library at the crack of dawn, and swoop in to get the comfy booths. You know what they say: the later bird gets the worm.
Secondly, block all of your friends online and in-person. Stop talking to your roommate. These people are your competition on the island and they are a distraction. Nothing productive comes from collaboration, so break off any and all alliances. And believe us, the enemy of your enemy is still just your enemy.
Third, forget bringing a pen or a pencil. Per the rules of UNC Finals Survivor, bringing writing supplies is cheating. They won’t help you anyway.