Satire: Who would win? Round three.

Editor's note: This article is satire.

The "Who Would Win" book series is a collection that pits two animals against each other and evaluates who would win. Here are my own, with a modern twist. 

Meredith Grey vs. Optimus Prime 

Meredith Grey, the main character of "Grey’s Anatomy," is one of the most popular TV characters of all time. Throughout the series she has suffered losses and experienced a variety of traumatic events including (but not limited to) a hospital shooting, a plane crash, a bombing and almost drowning. It would make sense then, that you would think she would survive an encounter with Optimus Prime. Unfortunately for Meredith, Optimus Prime is a literal machine. He would absolutely pulverize her. If Optimus was in his truck form he would be able to hit her, not unlike her own husband, Derek Shepherd, who was hit by a truck. Or, if Optimus Prime was in his big robot form, he would still destroy Meredith. A quick search online reveals that Optimus is a whopping 28 feet tall, and Meredith Grey would stand no chance. I think it would take a simple swing from this big robot and Meredith Grey would perish. True brute power.

Optimus Prime: 1 Meredith Grey: 0 

Immanuel Kant vs. the SeaWorld Orca that killed its trainer 

Like other naive freshmen college students, I had the great displeasure of becoming friends with philosophy majors my first year at UNC. During that time I was reluctantly exposed to their passion for men who thought long and hard about things. One of these thinkers was Immanuel Kant, a German philosopher. From what I remember, Kant thought a lot about how humans reason and said that our experiences shape the way we understand things (I think, I don’t really care anymore). 

The SeaWorld orca Tilikum became famous for being involved in several fatal attacks. The documentary "Blackfish" explored the psychological effects of sustained captivity on whales, one of which was increased aggression. 

Kant and Tilikum is a toss up. Perhaps Tilikum would feel pity for a man whose entire life is devoted to sitting and thinking about things that don’t matter and nobody cares about. Kant himself, however, would be the first to know that this whale would not be able to reason through such things. Tilikum is not a human. He is not capable of connecting reason to morality and feeling pity. For this reason, I will hand this battle to Tilikum. I can’t imagine Kant got many workouts in on account of how much time he spent pondering. Like the age-old saying goes, “one whale vs. a philosopher makes for a crazy battle, but the whale wins big.” 

P.S. If you are a first-year, do NOT waste your time reading Kant’s "Critique of Pure Reason" to get a guy’s attention.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand vs. Halle Bailey as Ariel  

For readers who are not hip on historical events, Archduke Franz Ferdinand was heir to the Austria-Hungary throne in 1914, when he was assassinated by a Serbian terrorist group which ultimately resulted in the invasion of Serbia by Austria-Hungary. This subsequently started World War I. 

Ironically enough, the casting of a black mermaid in Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” felt like the beginning of a world war itself. Disney fans around the world were in disbelief, simply unable to cope with the fact that a half-human, half-fish who sings musical numbers to a talking crab could be Black. The difficulty in assessing the winner of this battle stems from the fact that I do not know Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s fighting style. Thanks to Disney though, I do know what Halle Bailey looks like in a mermaid outfit. Furthermore, Halle Bailey has never been assassinated, whereas Ferdinand was. Halle would be able to use this to her advantage, as she is alive and Ferdinand is not. A dead man cannot fight. He cannot even move, and while Halle might have limited mobility because of her tail, she would still win over Ferdinand.  

Ferdinand: RIP, Halle Bailey: 1

Drake vs. the Seven Wonders of the World 

There would be no battle here. Drake would absolutely love the Seven Wonders of the World. He would indulge in selfies and pictures galore. His deep respect and admiration for these beautiful monuments around the world would subsequently garner him an equal level of appreciation, resulting in Drake himself being crowned the eighth wonder of the world. After making sweet love to the other wonders, Drake would create his own wonders of the world, the 9th being "Take Care" and 10th "Certified Lover Boy." 

@dthopinion | opinion@dailytarheel.com