Satire: How to cure depression

Have you ever been really sad? Like super super sad for a long time. Well, that might be depression. Or it might be a vitamin deficiency. Like a psychiatrist, let's just assume it's depression for simplicity's sake.

Now that we’re running with depression, you might be wondering, "How do I cure this?" Well first, you have to really want to. You can’t just sit there like a loser, being sad forever. You need to want to get better. That’s up to you.

If you’re not already feeling better after reading that, there are a couple more things you can try. I’ve compiled a list of four surefire ways to make sure depression is a thing of your past.

1. Begin drinking everything in a Mason jar

There is nothing more peaceful and aesthetic than sipping on a beverage in a Mason jar. Every morning I prepare my oat milk iced latte in a Mason jar and every morning it zaps the depression right out of my body. Don’t want to do your homework because you’re feeling “down?” Go ahead and make a nice glass of ice water in your Mason jar. If you still don’t want to study, something must be wrong with you!

2. Walks

I often hear people complain about their depression, claiming it makes it hard for them to “get up and do something.” Here’s the simple solution: take a walk! If you’re up and walking, then your depression can’t stop you from moving. Also, walks release endorphins so even just a 30 minute walk should pull you out of that six month slump. Better yet, do it at 5 a.m. If you can honestly sit there and tell me that bragging to everybody for the entire day that you went on a walk at sunrise doesn’t make you feel cured of depression, then maybe you do indeed have a vitamin deficiency.

3. Avoid other depressed people 

Depressed people are awful to be around. There is nothing more energy sucking than having to spend time with someone who just isn’t interested in getting better. If they don’t want to choose a life of happiness like you do, then you’re simply better than them. Do not waste your time trying to help people see the light if they willingly get up every day just to be a Debbie Downer. In my personal opinion, telling depressed people how draining it is to be around them might actually motivate them to stop being depressed. Hearing that there’s so much other stuff they could be doing rather than just sitting around moping might get them up and moving. 

4. Stop listening to sad music

How are you going to sit around complaining about how depressed you are when your entire Spotify consists of Mitski and Phoebe Bridgers? Sad music is just going to enable you to continue choosing to be sad. You need to break free from these chains and put on some happy music. Try walking around to Dua Lipa on campus and tell me you don’t just feel a million times better.

If none of these items work for your depression, then it might just be because depression is an all-consuming mental illness that is neither your fault nor something that can be fixed just because you decide to fix it.

Whether your depression is a result of life circumstances or just an unfortunate biological deficit in the brain, it is something that deserves respect and attention from others. Influencer culture has posited that something as simple as a walk or maintaining a clean bedroom are going to cure your depression. They aren’t.

People suffering with depression are oftentimes in survival mode, just trying to make it through the day. There’s a darker side of mental health that isn’t mentioned in those infographics you see on Instagram, like addiction, self-harm and destructive behavior. These symptoms and depression in general are not going to be fixed merely because you just wake up one day and decide you don’t want to be depressed anymore.

I had a severe bout of depression in the beginning of my time at college and there honestly wasn’t a single thing that helped get me out of it.

Depression doesn’t just go away, unfortunately. It comes and it goes to varying degrees of severity. The hardest part about it all is that sometimes you just have to wait it out. Being given a list of things you are told will make you better when realistically the only thing that helps is time is maddening. If someone expresses their mental health struggle with you, jumping to a list of cures isn’t going to help; sometimes just being there and waiting it out with them is enough.

@dthopinion | opinion@dailytarheel.com