By the Numbers: Dancer Recruitment Week

There comes a week in every UNC student’s life when Dance Marathon begins recruiting.

You will not be prepared.

It doesn’t matter how many years you have been coming here, it doesn’t matter how many ridiculous, multi-colored articles of clothing you have encountered in your life, it doesn’t even matter how many times you have seen someone sing nostalgically as Hanson’s “MMMBop” plays in the background — the Dance Marathon recruiters will still find a way to catch your eye as you walk by the Pit.

It’s a great cause. Donating to help the Children’s Hospital is a worthy investment, and the people who run Dance Marathon do so with a selfless fervor unmatched and applaudable.

But don’t be fooled. Behind those smiling faces lie the most vicious and unrelenting promoters of a cause this side of Alexander Hamilton and his constitutional ratification.

For these 21st century Spreaderalists, it is a personal effrontery to ignore their doctrines. They have high expectations, are truly committed, and believe you should be too.

You could say the seasoned Dance Marathon organizers are exactly like the Occupy Wall Street participants, only they generally know what they’re promoting, move around occasionally, and have tasted success.

But why is it that these students go after potential Dancers like a herd of rabid offensive linemen at a CiCi’s Pizza?

I found myself facing an imposing wall of recruiters ready to pounce. Slowly stepping back, I squinted my eyes and crouched like a cagey panther. Then I took stock.

Recruiters Visible As I Glanced Around the Pit — 21

Recruiters Spotted Staring Down at Me from Tree Above — 1

Impromptu “Thriller” Reenactments During My Four-Minute Observation Period — 2

Sprinters — 10 (5 non-signers each respectively followed by 5 recruiters)

Dance Recruiters Quietly Hiding in Potential Signee’s Backpack for Later Proselytizing — 1

Overzealous Attempts to Follow Visibly Shaken Non-Signer Into Greenlaw — 1

Overwhelmed Students Weeping as They Sit Against Tree With Knees to Chest — 3

Cries of “For the Kids!” — 115

“Ironically” Tacky Outfits — 22

Desperate Attempts to get Harrison Barnes to Dougie in Support of Dance Marathon — 1

Brief Skirmishes with Promoters of Rival Causes — 8

What do you think of Dancer Recruitment week? Are you hiding out, too? Let Pit Talk know by commenting below.