I got 99 problems and not sleeping enough is all of them
Idly scrolling through Pinterest in class the other day (did I say in class? because I totally meant after class), I happened upon an interesting post. Armed with my “College Life” board and a steaming cup of coffee, I read through a hand-drawn infographic outlining the various ways to stay awake during class. As the kind of person who likes sleep but doesn’t get nearly enough of it, I decided to read through the post.
The author or artist or whoever posted the lovely image – when I clicked on the post it redirected me to an (sr)trends page with the wrong blog entry so the mysterious artist was left mysterious – took great care (kind of) to draw the various ways of staying awake.
There’s the hot drink method, the cold drink method, the lifted feet method, the method involving repeated punches by your angry neighbor, the method of stabbing yourself with a pencil until you get lead poisoning and the method of simply stuffing your face to stay awake.
At the end, the author does make a point to say that getting enough sleep the night before is an option, however “this will never happen as long as the Internet exists.”
The small drawings are even accompanied with a rating. Eating seems to be the most effective with 9 out of 10 (9 out of 10 what, that is the question?). Alternating between a cold and hot drink coming in at a close second with 6 out of 10.
Curious as I was, I decided to put these methods into practice in my own life to see if they could really keep me awake in a class where the most exciting thing we’ve ever talked about is Darwin’s dreary finches.
First up were the two drinking methods. While it gave me an excuse to go to Starbucks and grab the Pumpkin Spice Latte (it’s finally here!), both drinking methods were somewhat wanting.
While the Pumpkin Spice Latte was delicious, my extreme coffee addiction has left me immune to the caffeine in just one latte. Alternating between a hot and a cold drink (a Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino, squeal!) did give me more caffeine, but I had to pee twice as bad. And although my aching bladder did keep me awake, it isn’t something I’d want to have to deal with on a daily basis.
Against my better judgment, I did have a neighbor punch me. The people I asked were unreliable and all they did was give me a light tap, which wasn’t enough to keep me awake and paying attention. Stabbing myself in the hand was another no-go as I was too afraid of the pain to properly stab myself.
I’d never heard of the holding your feet off the ground method and was eager to try, but as the artist points out “you always put your feet down and there’s no hope.” Most of the time, I forgot about what I was doing and let my feet fall. By the time I remembered to hold my feet up, my eyelids were already drooping.
Eating was certainly an effective method. The crunch of my crackers was enough to keep my brain from taking a siesta, but it irritated the fool out of my neighbors. Unless you want to spend the rest of your days ignoring angry side-eyes from those kids in your math class, I’d try chewing some gum or finding another method that works.
What other methods are there? I had reached the end of my list at that point. Only one item remained, and the author claimed that one — getting enough sleep — was impossible.
I’ll admit, it was hard work. The temptation to roll over and scroll through my phone was real, but I resisted as best as I could. Another (annoying) part of my brain kept telling me there was work I should be doing. But that voice was easier to ignore and once I trapped my hand behind my bum and focused on the darkness behind my eyelids, I found myself drifting off to sleep far easier than I’d expected.
Final results? Although it may be hard (and sometimes impossible), it is better to try to get more sleep than try to keep yourself awake through overall ineffective Internet methods.
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