The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Thursday May 26th

Pit Talk

The cookies from Lenoir are probably brainwashing you

I don’t need one.

But… like… I worked so hard today.

I realllllly don’t need one.

I walked to four classes though. That’s, like, 4 miles, right?

Yea. I need one. Definitely.

That is the thought process that precedes the removal of every single dining hall cookie from its shiny, fingerprint-encrusted, plastic case.

“All you have to do to avoid the Freshman Fifteen is refrain from eating a cookie on your way out.”

I received this piece of advice countless times before arriving on campus. It sounded easy enough. Honestly, how hard could it be to walk past the cookies?

It’s hard. It is so hard. It’s like the cookie case is its own entity with its own gravitational pull and no one is capable of resisting.

We are all full-grown, adult-like creatures who possess an above-average intelligence. Dessert foods should have no power over us. What is it about the cookies that makes them so seductive? (Yes, admit it, you have been seduced by round objects made of sugar and butter.) I have a few theories, some more plausible than others:

THEORY #1: A secret ingredient! 

A secret, addictive, seductive ingredient. Dining hall cookies are essentially the Krabby Patties of Carolina. Somewhere in the depths of the kitchen, a secret ingredient is tied up in a glass bottle. Very picturesque, right? 

OK, yes, the dining hall is required to provide full disclosure when it comes to the ingredients that they are feeding us. But that’s the thing about a secret ingredient… it’s secret! This theory is very possible and quite difficult to disprove. I might be on to something.

THEORY #2: The gravitational pull is a real thing. 

Physics majors, unite! After watching enough students attempt to walk past the cookie case, only to be pulled backwards and toward the calories, you may be convinced of this gravity theory. It’s just not natural. 

Maybe the cookie case is a black hole. Am I getting ahead of myself? I’ll leave this to the physicists.

THEORY #3: We are all being brainwashed.

But in a good way. Ready for this one? UNC’s campus Wi-Fi doubles as a brainwash system. The campus network tech guys have figured out how to brainwash. 

Oh, Carolina, always a hub of innovation. We have been brainwashed to have an innate hunger for CDS cookies. Of course, the brainwashers mean well. They simply want students to release stress via sweet tooth indulgence. Thanks, guys.

There you have it. If anyone can confirm any of these theories, please let me know. Until then, I will continue to consume secret ingredients and gravitate toward dessert foods and undergo brainwashing. 

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