Kvetching Board for November 1, 2013

kvetch:
v.1 (Yiddish) to complain

To whoever decided to hang Christmas balls in the Arboretum: You’re two months early and 6 inches too low. Sincerely, a jogger with a bloody nose.

The problem with having a one-night stand with a nondescript white guy is you spend the next week living in constant paranoia because you think you see him EVERYWHERE.

To whoever TP’d our neighbor’s house with luscious ultrasoft toilet paper, our broke asses are sincerely grateful.

That moment when your Renaissance Literature professor makes a plague reference and you’ve been coughing all of class, so your classmates stare you down … promise I’m not bubonic, y’all.
To the longboarder who didn’t flush his deuce in Davis: Get a real hobby.

I appreciate that two or three times a year, there’s a brave, edgy soul willing to speak truth to power and say that HvZ is for loser virgin nerds. That’s a strong take every time.

To improve service, ConnectCarolina will now be replaced by healthcare.gov

To the girl in my Personal Health class that blurted out sperm was ejaculated at 28 mph before the teacher finished asking the question — this is obviously not your first lecture on contraception.

Uggs and yoga pants WITHOUT a scarf? Get your crap together, white girls.

As a concerned UNC parent, I’m grateful for the DTH crime log. I constantly warn my daughter to avoid: stealing flamingos, making loud noises, shoplifting single beers or pumpkins and keeping suspicious cats.

To the girl in Davis with a knitted koozie on her Mason jar full of hot tea, I think you are taking this hipster thing a little too far.

To the freshman in my Linguistics 101 class passing notes to her BFF across the aisle and making fun of the teacher: We are not in a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie. Grow up and pay attention.

UNC girls: when game-day security has to pat down your cowboy boots to look for mini-bottles, you’ve gone too far.

To the person I live with and his significant other who got it on while I was in the room, you guys need anything? Some snacks, a condom? Let me know.

I hear Late Night with Roy was delayed because they had to pat down P.J. Hairston before it could start.

First-year problems: When my roommate invited me to Late Night last Friday, I showed up at Rams Head Dining Hall. #whereiseveryone

Send your one-to-two sentence entries to opinion@dailytarheel.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’