The emphasis we’ve historically placed on female virginity is three parts ridiculous, one part based on folklore. My favorite historical fun fact is that senior members of government used to observe the wedding nights of royals in order to confirm the wife’s virginity (thereby confirming the legitimacy of any heirs) and assure that consummation took place — after consummation, marriages couldn’t be annulled.
But, do I have news for you – divorce and paternity tests now exist! So, armed with the abilities to determine the paternity of any children and leave your partner, regardless of sexual history, why do we still divide our lives into the sexual 'before' and 'after?'
Having sex with another person for the first time can be a very intense experience, and entering into the situation with serious consideration is a great way to ensure partners are on the same page and fully consenting. Waiting until you build a sense of trust and connection with a partner may lead to easier communication during sex and may result in a more enjoyable experience.
But I want to make one thing clear: you are not ‘losing’ anything by having sex, nor are you ‘giving’ anything to your first sexual partner. Your lack of sexual experience is not a gift or something to fiercely protect. I mean, how can you even protect or give a non-action?
Society exalts a sexual timeline that escalates so quickly it could give you whiplash. You’re supposed to be a virgin until you’re not, and if you remain a virgin too long, you’re labeled prudish, gay, immature, unmasculine or strange.
It’s sinful to have sex outside of marriage, but you’re supposed to have a robust and healthy sex life from your wedding night onward. We’re told we’re too young to have sex in high school, but college is portrayed as a huge pool of people having sex all the time.
(It’s not, by the way. Sometimes we switch it up and go to class.)
Keep in mind, this whole sexual evolution is supposed to come about without, in many places, adequate sexual education or knowledge.
Biologically, you don’t permanently change from having sex. Listen carefully to one of my Ten Sexual Commandments: “thy hymen is an accordion.” Yes, the hymen, long rumored to “tear” upon penetration, should actually stretch to accommodate any penetration IF one is properly aroused and lubricated.
So, you see blood on the sheets? That ain’t it chief. If there’s pain or tearing, you’re either doing it wrong, or you need to see a doctor. And that’s fine! Some people are born with extra hymen tissue, which can make penetration extremely painful. I know two people who had to get their hymens surgically removed. But there definitely shouldn't be an expectation of pain or blood, and no one should accept that as inevitable.
I’ll close by using an example that I’m sure many people have heard of: the so-called “Back Door” of virginity. Some people choose to engage in anal sex in order to “save” themselves for marriage. I guess, technically, if anal sex isn’t within your personal definition of sex, then yes, you’re still a virgin. But I just want to present the option of not doing that and doing what you want instead.
Have sex or don’t; it’s your body and your choice. No one should be trying to convince you otherwise. If they are, I will personally fight them for you.